First Folio

SML only put up a HEAVILY EDITED version of my EFFING GENIUS play when he sent it into The Big Lead where it was published. I know you all wanted to read the full version complete with sandwich jokes. So here it is, baby.

Dramatis Personae:
President Emomalii Rahmon (I did not make this name up)
Prime Minister Oqil Oqilov (I effing swear I didn’t make this up)
Their Chief Advisor Steve (this one I made up)
Rasul Bogiev, National Hero

Emomalii: Gentlemen! The Olympic Games are fast approaching. We must act.
Oqil: They have acting in the Olympics now?

Emomalii: Oqil, pipe down. Now as you no doubt know, our country has never won an Olympic medal. This must be our year.
Oqil: Gentlemen! I have an idea.

Emomalii: What?
Oqil: We should order sandwiches. (pause) I’m craving a good sandwich. Like a really nice sandwich.

Emomalii: Oqil, what is your fucking issue?
Oqil: That I haven’t had meat pressed between bread in like four months. Excuuuuuuuse me, Mr. President if I’m hungry.

Emomalii: I will. Just this once. Now can we please focus on the task at hand and figure out how the hell we’re going to win an Olympic medal? We have to compete against everybody in the world if we want to win one. The rest of the world. You know what the rest of the world has that we don’t?
Oqil: Sandwiches?

Emomalii: Everything. Everything. I don’t even know what we’re supposed to do. Steve? (pause) STEVE! Wake up, damn you!
Steve: Yes Your President?

Emomalii: Don’t call me Your President. Call me Emomamlii.
Steve: I can’t pronounce that.

Emomalii: Just repeat after me: Emomalii.
Steve: Imoemali.

Emomalii: Whatever. What Olympic events are there this year that we might medal in?
Steve: Swimming?

Emomalii: Our entire GDP can’t purchase even one of those magic bathing suits.
Steve: Diving?

Emomalii: Nobody in our country has seen more than six combined drops of water since 1993. How are we supposed to practice diving?
Steve: Rowing?

Emomalii: I think it would be best if we moved entirely off of the water events, OK? It's only rained 1 combined inch in my entire lifetime, we're double landlocked, and the whole place is completely arid. The last time I had something to drink it was a sort of translucent liquid out of an unlabeled bottle. It tasted like open scissors. Our biggest body of water is my Presidential bathtub which doesn’t have a faucet attached to it. I think we can safely assume that if our medal comes at all it will come in a terrestrial event.
Oqil: If there were an Olympics for sandwich denial, you’d win the gold. THE GOLD.

Emomalii: Steve, please execute the Prime Minister.

(he does so)

Emomalii: Now then. What else?
Steve: Running?

Emomalii: Can’t do it. The Russians stole our tracks and the Georgians stole our fields. It can’t be shooting. All of our guns are from 1771 and none of them shoot straight. We can’t mine enough metal to smelt a single blade, so fencing’s out. Many brave and heroic men have tried to explain to me what exactly a pole vault is and I still can’t quite picture it.
Steve: We could turn on the television and watch it.

Emomalii: If we had electricity. It can’t be gymnastics because the average size of our 16 year old girls is 6’4’’ 220. Kilos. When we pick up racquets that shit is worstminton. And when we try to racewalk, we just run. We just run, Steve. What are we supposed to do?

(a knock on the door)

Steve: Come in.

(the door opens. Rasul Bogiev comes in, carrying a single sheet of paper)

Rasul: Your President, we found a sheet of paper and we thought you should have it.

Emomalii: Don’t call me that.

Rasul: He told me to.

Emomalii Give the paper to Steve.

(Rasul attempts to hand the paper to Steve, but instead takes him down with a complicated martial arts move and then stands triumphantly over his supine body)

Rasul: Sorry Your President. I just can’t help myself. This skill comes naturally to me.

Emomalii: Does it now, Rasul? Does it now? Too bad there isn’t an Olympics of knocking people over.

Oqil: (struggling back to life) Or of sandwich-related treachery for you would RULE THE DAY! (he dies again)

Steve: But maybe, just maybe there is.

(Emomalii and Rasul turn expectantly to Steve)

Steve: Now listen closely, gentlemen. I have an idea. A crazy, crazy idea…

FINIS.