SML only put up a HEAVILY EDITED version of my EFFING GENIUS play when he sent it into The Big Lead where it was published. I know you all wanted to read the full version complete with sandwich jokes. So here it is, baby.
Dramatis Personae:
President Emomalii Rahmon (I did not
make this name up)
Prime Minister Oqil Oqilov (I effing
swear I didn’t make this up)
Their Chief Advisor Steve (this one
I made up)
Rasul Bogiev, National
Hero
Emomalii: Gentlemen! The Olympic
Games are fast approaching. We must act.
Oqil: They have acting in the
Olympics now?
Emomalii: Oqil, pipe down. Now as
you no doubt know, our country has never won an Olympic medal. This must be our
year.
Oqil: Gentlemen! I have an
idea.
Emomalii:
What?
Oqil: We should order sandwiches.
(pause) I’m craving a good sandwich. Like a really nice
sandwich.
Emomalii: Oqil, what is your fucking
issue?
Oqil: That I haven’t had meat
pressed between bread in like four months. Excuuuuuuuse me, Mr. President if I’m
hungry.
Emomalii: I will. Just this once.
Now can we please focus on the task at hand and figure out how the hell we’re
going to win an Olympic medal? We have to compete against everybody in the world
if we want to win one. The rest of the world. You know what the rest of the
world has that we don’t?
Oqil:
Sandwiches?
Emomalii: Everything. Everything. I
don’t even know what we’re supposed to do. Steve? (pause) STEVE! Wake up, damn
you!
Steve: Yes Your
President?
Emomalii: Don’t call me Your
President. Call me Emomamlii.
Steve: I can’t pronounce
that.
Emomalii: Just repeat after me:
Emomalii.
Steve:
Imoemali.
Emomalii: Whatever. What Olympic
events are there this year that we might medal in?
Steve:
Swimming?
Emomalii: Our entire GDP can’t
purchase even one of those magic bathing suits.
Steve:
Diving?
Emomalii: Nobody in our country has
seen more than six combined drops of water since 1993. How are we supposed to
practice diving?
Steve:
Rowing?
Emomalii: I think it would be best
if we moved entirely off of the water events, OK? It's only rained 1 combined
inch in my entire lifetime, we're double landlocked, and the whole place is
completely arid. The last time I had something to drink it was a sort of
translucent liquid out of an unlabeled bottle. It tasted like open scissors. Our
biggest body of water is my Presidential bathtub which doesn’t have a faucet
attached to it. I think we can safely assume that if our medal comes at all it
will come in a terrestrial event.
Oqil: If there were an Olympics for
sandwich denial, you’d win the gold. THE GOLD.
Emomalii: Steve, please execute the
Prime Minister.
(he does
so)
Emomalii: Now then. What
else?
Steve:
Running?
Emomalii: Can’t do it. The Russians
stole our tracks and the Georgians stole our fields. It can’t be shooting. All
of our guns are from 1771 and none of them shoot straight. We can’t mine enough
metal to smelt a single blade, so fencing’s out. Many brave and heroic men have
tried to explain to me what exactly a pole vault is and I still can’t quite
picture it.
Steve: We could turn on the
television and watch it.
Emomalii: If we had electricity. It
can’t be gymnastics because the average size of our 16 year old girls is 6’4’’
220. Kilos. When we pick up
racquets that shit is worstminton. And when we try to racewalk,
we just run. We just run, Steve. What are we supposed to
do?
(a knock on the
door)
Steve: Come
in.
(the door opens. Rasul Bogiev comes
in, carrying a single sheet of paper)
Rasul: Your President, we found a
sheet of paper and we thought you should have it.
Emomalii: Don’t call me
that.
Rasul: He told me
to.
Emomalii: Give the paper to
Steve.
(Rasul attempts to hand the paper to
Steve, but instead takes him down with a complicated martial arts move and then
stands triumphantly over his supine body)
Rasul: Sorry Your President. I just
can’t help myself. This skill comes naturally to me.
Emomalii: Does it now, Rasul? Does
it now? Too bad there isn’t an Olympics of knocking people
over.
Oqil: (struggling back to life) Or
of sandwich-related treachery for you would RULE THE DAY! (he dies
again)
Steve: But maybe, just maybe there
is.
(Emomalii and Rasul turn expectantly
to Steve)
Steve: Now listen closely,
gentlemen. I have an idea. A crazy, crazy idea…
FINIS.
Leave a comment
|
