Moldova
It looks like the University of Texas got swallowed by Boston College.Stereotype: It’s like when you’ve thought about something really, really hard.

Truth: Wait, actually, I think that’s “mulled over.”


Previous Olympic History:
Moldova first competed at the Olympics from 1960-1992 as part of the USSR unified team.  Larissa Alexandrova-Popova, with the help of partner Elena Hloptzeva of Belarus, won the first gold medal for a Moldavian in 1980 in a rowing partner’s competition.  Nicolae Juvavschi won two gold medals along with his partner, Viktor Reneyky (Belarus), in the 1988 games for canoe events. The pair won eight World Championship events together.

Since going solo, Moldova has done exactly what you might expect.  In 2004 it won no medals.  In the 2000 Olympics, it won a silver medal (Oleg Moldovan in a shooting contest, finishing just behind Johnny American) and a bronze medal (Vitaly Grusac in Boxing).  In the 1996 Olympics (the first one the independent Republic of Moldova participated in) they also won a bronze (Sergie Moureiko in Wrestling) and a silver medal.

So keep note: they can tackle, they can punch, they can shoot, and they can row.  Conclusion: you see an armed Moldavian coming at you in a paddle boat, run like hell.

Interesting story about that silver medal: after winning those two gold medals in 1988, and all those World Championships together, the duo of Juvarschi and Reneysky were not selected to represent the USSR unified team at the 1992 games.  Juvarschi (the cute one) was invited to represent Romania, and did make it to two finals, but no medals.  He ended up returning to independent Moldova in 1995 and talked his former partner Viktor (the serious one) into teaming up for one more shot at a medal at the 1996 games.  And sure enough, they won silver, which would become Moldova’s first medal as an independent nation.  Won by a Romanian/Belarusian duo.  WE ARE THE WORLD. WE ARE THE CHILDREN.

2008 Olympic Prospects:

None really.  Well, if any Moldavians team up with a Belarusian in some sort of aquatic vessel competition, I strongly recommend betting on them.

Moldova History:
Moldova is a landlocked country in Eastern Europe (odd, considering they are so good at rowing and canoeing).  Things could be worse, I guess. I mean… it could be a double-landlocked country in Eastern Europe.  Its capital city is Chişinău (pronounced “Kishee-now”).  The people of Moldova are nearly identical ethnically to Romanians.  The language Moldovan, in fact, is identical to Romanian.  The only difference (as promoted by the USSR, to separate the two countries and their “identities”) is that Moldovan is written in a Cyrillic (Russian) alphabet, and Romanian is written in a Latin alphabet.  In other words, Moldova is what you get if a larger country (China) came along, took over the U.S., split the US into “the U.S.” and “South U.S.”, and decreed that Southerners will now use Chinese characters to write English.  But the words and how to pronounce them and everything else is the same, just that we are now using phonetic Mandarin to write English.  See, it’s a totally different language!  Clever Russians.

The ancient people of this land are the Dacians.  The land has been invaded by the Goths, Huns Bulgars, Slavs, Magyars, Skwiminywiminies, Cumans and Mongols. (One of those isn’t real.  Did you guess which one?  THAT’S RIGHT.  Mongols are pretend!)  And that’s just the first 1,000 years.  The people who resided in Bessarabia (the eastern part of Moldova, by the Black Sea, which was formerly part of the Ottoman Empire when Russia took it over and add it to Moldova) were Cimmerians.  You might remember that name from Homer's Odyssey - the Cimmerians are described as “living beyond the Oceanus, in a land of fog and darkness, at the edge of the world and the entrance of Hades”.  The country of Moldova has yet to be described in better terms.  Please note: the Cimmerians have nothing to do with this:

Yeah, I ride my horse naked. If you looked as good as I do, you would want to show off, too...
You may have noticed that the people are called “Moldavians” and not “Moldovans” (though that is acceptable, too).  That’s because the country of Moldova gets its name from the former region of Moldavia, which was part of Romania.  Most of Moldavia was separated out from Romania by the Soviet Union, and renamed Moldova. Have you ever wondered why Europe has been constantly at war since, uh, ever? Has this description of history helped at all? It should have.

Pop Culture:
According to the Rotterdam Index on Happiness, Moldova is the unhappiest country in the world, with only 44% of Moldavians surveyed claiming to be “happy”.  The Republic of Belarus fared slightly better, with 46%.  Those were the two unhappiest countries out of the over 60 countries surveyed. To be fair, Iraq probably would have placed last, but the surveyors couldn’t find enough living people to question.  FREEDOM IS ON THE MARCH!

The bottom of the list is littered with former Soviet Union countries (Ukraine, Russia, Slovakia, Lithuania, Bulgaria, even the normally happy Armenians).

The happiest place in the world remains (they have been happy for a long time now) Iceland, with a 97% rating.  Yes, who wouldn’t be happy to find out that instead of actually living in an Ice Land, they in fact live here:

There's sand in Iceland?
Now that's what I call Icy Hot.

Denmark, Norway, Sweden are all in the top seven, ahead of America.  WHICH IS BULLSHIT BECAUSE AMERICA IS NUMBER ONE! USA! USA! USA! WE’RE HAPPIER THAN THOSE FUCKING SWEDES! YEAH WE ARE! WHAT YOU WANT A PIECE!? HUH!? HUH!?

That's actually not true. Moldovans are incapable of happiness, much less love.

Ahem.

So what makes Moldavians unhappy?  They do have, after all, the cleanest air in the world (unless you believe the Tasmanians (WHICH YOU SHOULDN’T)).  According to Moldova Magazine (“Fourteenth Best Country-Based Periodical In Western Moldova!”), it’s not the money – countries with similar or even worse economies, like Brazil (83% happy) and the Philippines (93%) double the level of happiness found in Moldova.  It’s not the weather – remember Iceland is #1. It’s not the timing of the survey – Moldova has historically been unhappy, whether surveyed in 1995 (51%) or 2002 (44%).

Nope, it seems to be people were slightly happier back in the Communist days (though data from that period is scarce… and probably tainted because if you said you were unhappy they sent you to the Gulag. Hmm.).  Perhaps the increase in poverty and unemployment that followed the breakup of the Soviet Union has something to do with it. Or possibly that even the name of their country is depressing. Moldova. Moldova. Shit, I’m weeping just typing it.

So, just to recap: Former Communist countries minus communism = unhappy; free European countries + socialistic economic system = happy (Iceland, Norway, Sweden, Denmark).  BUT USA NUMBER ONE HAPPIEST OF ALL CAPITALISM YAY!      


They have a (major) baseball stadium in Chisinau, one that opened in 2005.  Baseball has been played in Moldova since the 80’s. So far, the country has recorded six RBI!

More on Moldovan baseball.

Moldova's new super highway during rush hour...

Moldova is the poorest country in Europe, ranking #48 (just behind the Ukraine).  In Denmark, where workers make the highest per hour wages of any country in Europe, the average per hour wage is 65 times larger than the average per hour wage of a Moldavian.  Oooohhhh, maybe THAT’S why Denmark is happier.

Chisinau has an awesome club scene, including the famous “Military Pub”, in which a DJ plays from inside an old Soviet tank that is on the dance floor, while a giant poster of Lenin hangs from above, and hammer & sickles CCCP flags are found on all the walls.

We’re bringing sadness back. Yeah. Them other fuckers don’t know how to act.

We’re bringing sadness back. Yeah. Them other fuckers don’t know how to act.

Breakaway Republics:
There are two other parts in the country of Moldova:

The breakaway Republic of Transnistria actually declared independence first (in 1990) from the Soviet Union, hoping to get back together with Romania.  Russian troops moved in to Transnistria to intervene on their behalf against Moldova, which wanted to keep the territory.  Though it is still considered part of Moldova territory by the UN (and a “frozen region” by the Council of Europe), there are negotiations going on between everyone (the EU, USA, UN, Russia, Romania, Moldova, and Jose Canseco) to try to come to an agreement.

Transnistria has been called by many visitors the ultimate “throwback to the Soviet Union”.

This is a flag that says "Yeah, your country ain't Soviet enough, dunny".

It has its own government, money, flag, and army.  And a population of about 600,000.  The capital is Tiraspol.  In Transnistria it is very common to see statues of Lenin, old Soviet tanks, and general Communist Era propaganda, including billboards with the hammer and sickle emblem.  Oh, and long bread lines, too.  It is ruled with an iron fist by President Igor Smirnov WHO HAS HANDS MADE OF METAL. Wait a second… I’m being told “iron fist” is a metaphor. My apologies.  They do, however, have some world-class cognac.  The population of Transnistria is split almost equally in three ways – Moldovan/Romanians (same ethnicity), Russians, and Ukrainians.  It might actually be the closest thing to a real life version of the country of Molvania.

There is also the Republic of Gagauzia, which astonishingly isn’t a breakaway republic.  It has a good relationship with the Moldovan government, which recognizes the Christianized Turks of Gagauzia, and gives them full rights. But if they find any food they have to share. 

Famous Moldovans:
There are actually no famous Moldovans.  No one anyone who reads this site would recognize, sadly. Unless we mention Goran again. Some of those dudes might.  There are a bunch of Moldovan-born Romanian _____ (poets, artists, etc.), but even they aren’t that famous that an American would recognize them.  None of them has, for instance, gotten out of a car without panties on.  We do have our priorities straight here.

Um, how about some Moldavians break dancing (including two females) to DMX?  Okay then:


Conclusion: L


Special thanks as always to DJM for heavily contributing to this post.  Please check out our Olympic Preview Archives.



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8 Comments

Comments

[March 28, 2008 1:34 PM]  |  link  |  reply
Canadian DJM said

I'm sad that we wrote this.

[July 7, 2008 2:34 PM]  |  link  |  reply
Stefan Cel Mare said

"Moldovian" isn't really a word. They call themselves "Moldovan." No exceptions.

[July 30, 2008 3:11 PM]  |  link  |  reply
Genci said

O-Zone were pretty huge with the Dragostea Din Tei song

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/O-Zone
http://youtube.com/watch?v=aJJ-ukGwNQM

[August 14, 2008 2:41 AM]  |  link  |  reply
Vall said

Canadians did not get medals and start getting only bad thinks about cauntryes around. You are not the best and never been. You know what, you can kiss our moldavian ass.

[August 18, 2008 12:29 PM]  |  link  |  reply
Anonymous said

Who wrote this article is a total ideot!!! And by the way you moran it is not Moldovian it is Moldovan and Moldovan language is not spelled in Russian!!! You might want to do a little research on that, it is still spelled in latin, the language just got mixed with Russian and that how it came to be a dialect of Romanian, and most of it is not pronounced the same you fuck up!!! Also that shirt there, you can send it to me i will wipe my ass with it and send it to you on your birthday

[January 17, 2009 11:25 PM]  |  link  |  reply
Joe Moldovan said

Alot of the info is incorrect.

Famous Moldovans include:

Holy Roman Emperor Sigismund.
Vlad (II) Dracul.
Vlad (III) the Impaler Dracula.
Mircea the Old.
Janos Hunyadi.
Matthias Corvinus.
Stephen the Great.
Stephen Lazarevic.
Murad (I).
Bayezid (I).
Mehmed (I).
Murad (II).
Mehmed (II) the Conqueror.
Suleyman (I) the Magnificent.

just to name a few.

[January 5, 2010 6:32 PM]  |  link  |  reply
Armenian TV Online said

Could anyone please email me how I can find free tv online, I have been googling for generators for so long now please send me the truth 2charles6pokemon@hotmail.com !

[January 6, 2010 8:10 AM]  |  link  |  reply
Golden Hills said

You are right, people should listen to what you are saying because are absolutely right. :-D
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