Q.

Breakfast.

Q.

Everyday.

Q.

Couple of pancakes. Four or five eggs. Eat 'em raw. Steak and eggs. Chicken-fried steak. Some chicken-fried chicken. Little bit of chicken-fried spare ribs. Potatoes. Potato cakes. Some shit called "Potate" which I think is potatoes but tastes a little like ass. One pot pie. One cherry pie. Like it to the mode with some ice cream. Couple more eggs. Pot of coffee. Gallon of water. Lion heart for strength. Couple of pushups. Shoot free throws until I make one. Right around then it's time for supper.

Q.

Lion heart.

Q.

Imported fresh daily. I don't ask questions about where they get it. I just put it in the microwave with some strudel and heat that shit up. I forgot strudel.

Q.

Gonna be good to play in Phoenix. It's hot. Real hot. I don't mind dry heat. Some folks call me The Big Dry Heat.

Q.

Yes.

Q.

From like '91-'93 I was The Big Dry Heat. Ask anybody.

Q.

Steve Nash is good. I'll be Aquaman. He'll be Aqualad.

Q.

Already used all the good heroes. Shit, man. I'm hungry.

Q.

Said I'm hungry.

Q.

Said I'm fucking hungry. Go get me a waffle.

Q.

Put some syrup on that shit too. I starved myself for six days to pass my physical. Playoffs don't start for like four months so I figure I got like three months to eat before I need to get back in shape. So stand up. Turn around. Walk into the kitchen. And get me a motherfucking waffle with syrup.

Q.

Nice to meet you too.

*****

The rhetorical format for these interviews is taken from David Foster Wallace's extraordinary book of the same name, which includes a series of interviews in which the questions are not seen. Seriously, the book is astonishingly good, as one might expect what with it being written by the greatest living writer of the English language and all. And no, I'm not just saying that to avoid a cease and desist letter (I'm pretty sure this is fair parody); I'm saying that to encourage him to write another novel, for pity's sake. It's been ten years. Come on. We're waiting, our breath bated. Please. I'll beg if I have to.

So if you came here looking for the DFW book: buy it. If you came here looking for real interviews with physically ugly individuals, no dice. Alors. Good luck.