by DJM on February 14 at 10:27AM
Q.Hello?
Q.
[unintelligible]. What?
Q.
I'm sorry, who is this?
Q.
I'm sleeping, man. [unintelligible] fucking early.
Q.
I know it's 10:30 AM. I don't have any reason to get up anymore.
Q.
Wait, what?
Q.
I'm getting signed to the Mavericks!? Holy shit! I might get to contribute to a championship team? That's AWESOME! HONEY! HEY, HONEY GUESS WHO'S ON THE PHONE!? IT'S THE MAVERICKS! I KNOW! This is the greatest day of my life.
Q.
Sorry, what?
Q.
No... no... no no no no no no I don't want to move back to New Jersey. Fuck. No, man. No. I hate it there. Please don't make me oh FUCK guaranteed contracts. I haven't picked up a basketball in 23 months, man. I weigh 226 pounds. I have crippling syphilis. Please don't make me go play for the fucking Nets again. Shit shit shit. I mean... shit. I guess it would be OK to get to play with Jason Kidd again. He's good.
(pause)
Why aren't you saying anything?
Q.
OH FUCK ME.
Q.
Sure, ask as many questions as you want. My life blows. Moments ago I was rich and didn't have a care in the world. Now I have to move back to East Rutherford. Ask your fucking question.
Q.
Who's Gordon B. Hinckley?
Q.
I'm not Mormon.
Q.
No, I'm not.
Q.
I'm not fucking Mormon, OK? I just went to Utah.
Q.
They offered me a full ride, OK? Biggest mistake of my life. Should have joined the Merchant Marines or studied banking or any other fucking thing. HEY HONEY! HONEY! WE HAVE TO MOVE BACK TO NEW JERSEY! I KNOW! This is the worst day of my life. Thanks for nothing.
*****
The rhetorical format for these interviews is taken from David Foster Wallace's extraordinary book of the same name, which includes a series of interviews in which the questions are not seen. Seriously, the book is astonishingly good, as one might expect what with it being written by the greatest living writer of the English language and all. And no, I'm not just saying that to avoid a cease and desist letter (I'm pretty sure this is fair parody); I'm saying that to encourage him to write another novel, for pity's sake. It's been ten years. Come on. We're waiting, our breath bated. Please. I'll beg if I have to.
So if you came here looking for the DFW book: buy it. If you came here looking for real interviews with physically ugly individuals, no dice. Alors. Good luck.
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HILARIOUS
the Mormon part was the best one
aaaahhhh, good old Sixers busts....