by Stop Mike Lupica on February 26 at 11:57AM
They All Hate Each Other, and They're All White, Pt. 5:
CROATIA
Stereotype: The hell is Croatia?
Truth: Oooooohhhhh, it’s a country. Yeah, I’ve heard of it. It’s up there by Slomakia and Bladistan or whatever, right?
Previous Olympic History:
2008 will be their fifth Summer Olympics appearance. The motto for this year’s Olympic team is “20 Years, 12 Medals, and MOTHERFUCK Serbia.” It’s the same slogan as ’04, but with four more years and five more medals.
To date Croatia has won 12 medals in total, including 3 golds, which were immediately melted down, turned into bullets, and fired across the border. They first won the silver medal in basketball in 1992, behind Drazen Petrovic and Toni Kukoc. Toni Kukoc still has his.
They also got a couple of bronzes in tennis (men's singles and doubles) thanks to superstar Goran Ivanisevic in the 90's. Remember him?
He used to talk to himself. Like in an interview. With himself, via split screen:
That's kinda weird, no?
In 1996 the handball team showed its skills, winning a gold. And their Four Square team took the bronze after the Austrian team used a Tinies shot even though Backsies and Do-Overs were SO ENTIRELY illegal. God, they were robbed.
In 2004, 80 Croatian athletes participated in 14 sports. They won 5 medals in total:
1 Gold - Men's Handball
2 Silver - Men's 50m Freestyle Swimming, Duje Draganja
Rowing, Men's Coxless Pair
Male Sopranos, Men’s Ballsless Pair
2 Bronze - Tennis, Men's Doubles
Nikolay Pechalov for weightlifting. He had previously won a gold in 2000 for weightlifting.
They also finished fourth in Men’s Team Albanian Toss. They were able to toss an Albanian 14.2 meters, but were bested by Macedonia, Slovenia, and Herzegovina (which spent that year separated from Bosnia).
2008 Olympic Prospects:
Blanka Vlasic won a gold medal in the high jump (second-best record jump in history), and is a strong potential medalist at the 2008 Olympics.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
She's forever screaming. Here's a much better picture of her:
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Handball? Let's do our first Olympic Event preview!
Handball, or European Handball (nothing like the NYC version which involves a wall and a spaldeen/blue handball, or even better, its more gangsta offshoot "Asses Up" (gangstas LOVE asses)) is a sport where two teams of seven each (including a goalkeeper) pass and bounce a ball around, trying to get it to go into the goal.
The ball is the size of one of those little Pizza Hut basketballs you got as a kid. You know, the kind that a six-year old can palm. They have small hands in Europe (it’s the diet!). You can dribble the ball; if you aren't dribbling you have to give it up within three seconds or three steps. It's similar to basketball - you got charges, double dribbles, three second violations, and the Knicks suck at it.
Despite the success of Croatia over the past two Olympic games, Sweden and Spain are historically the teams to beat in handball; although this promises to change since a new rule goes into effect this year that Swedes and Spaniards cannot use their third arms.
Your typical Swede.
Sweden has won 4 of the last 8 Euro Handball Championships, with Spain being runner up three times. In the 2008 games, Croatia just edged France in the semis, and played a Denmark tam that beat Germany by just one goal. The Danish goaltender (Kasper "the friendly" Hvidt) was superb, and the Croats fell to the Danes in the finals. Watch out for the Danes, who had bronze medals in the three previous Euro Championships prior to this gold medal performance.
Here the Croats execute their dreaded offensive maneuver “The Flying Millipede”
Croatia History:
The most Westernized of the Balkans, they are expecting NATO to extend them membership in April, and that soon thereafter an invite to join the EU will be coming. Such exciting times! They'll be the first former Yugoslavian country to achieve those goals, unless you count Slovenia (which they MOST CERTAINLY DO NOT). It would have been Serbia, but they can't conform to the EU's confusing rules on burning embassies.
The geographic area that currently constitutes Croatia has been ruled by everyone from the Romans to the Hungarians to the Ottomans. In 1915 Dalmatia (half of modern day Croatia) was offered by the Allies to the Italians in return for their support in WWI. They accepted, signed the Treaty of London (1915) and fought on our side in that little altercation. As soon as the war ended the U.S. said "eff that", and ignored that treaty like Bush ignores accords. Instead Dalmatia was added to the newly created Kingdom of Serbs, Croat, and Slovenes (soon to be known as Yugoslavia). The Italians were pissed, and continued to claim Dalmatia, up until 1920 when the Treaty of Rapallo officially gave it to Yugoslavia. And now you know why the Italians joined the German side in WWII. Sh*t, I wouldn't have trusted those shifty lying-ass Allies either, if I was Italy.
In fact, the first thing Italy did during WWII was take over Dalmatia. Ha ha, bitches! We back! But they lost the war, and after the war it was returned to its right home, in the peaceful, loving brotherhood known as Yugoslavia, where Slavs of all types live in harmony.
That lasted until 1991. Soon afterwards Croatia declared independence from Serbia, and a brutal civil war broke out. The Serbs were trying to keep Croatia, Bosnia and Herzegovina as part of Serbia, but everyone else wanted independence. Eventually everyone else won, and the Dayton Accord of 1995 ended the civil war, and Croatia gained independence. Until Italy took it over in 2011.
The moral of the story: the history of Dalmatia is quite spotty. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAOHGODITHURTS.
Pop Culture:
Croatia has the second-highest emigration rate in the world, behind Ireland. Unlike the Irish though, they seemingly bring none of their culture with them, so nobody really knows what Croatian culture is like. No shamrocks, pubs, Guinness, green shirts, nurses, and Sullys. Which, actually, is a credit to Croatian culture.
The capital is Zagreb. We have nothing to say about this.
Paul Newman's Main Competition Is Croatia:
Croatia is well known for its beautiful beaches and islands. The country of Croatia has over a thousand islands in the Adriatic Sea. 1,185 supposedly. 66 are inhabited. The rest just have smoke monsters.
The inhabited islands, on the other hand, look like Florida during spring break, but with more black people:
Famous Croatians:
Fritzie Zivic (Zivichich (Zivivhichivhciivhcivhicv)) was a famous welterweight boxing champion in the US during the 40's, nicknamed "The Croat Comet". After beating "Unbeatable" Henry Armstrong (take THAT superlatives!), their rematch was held in MSG (back when it was in Hell's Kitchen) in 1941, in front of 23,190 people. That is still the MSG record to this day. Fritzie is in the Boxing Hall of Fame. And probably Heaven, too, if you think about it.
The first dominant big man in the NBA, 6'10 George Mikan, was of Croatian descent. Interesting stats about Mikan's career that illustrate what a "hard foul" used to be: Mikan suffered a broken left leg, right leg, left arch, right foot, nose, thumb plus three broken fingers, a broken right wrist, 166 stitches, and four lost teeth in his NBA career. In fact, he lost those four teeth in his first NBA game. His response: "You've got to give it right back to them with a basket or a punch or they'll pound you right out of the league." He man for whom goaltending, the 24-second shot clock and the 3-second violation were introduced was also the first player elected to the Basketball Hall of Fame, in 1959.
American baseball star Roger Maris, who hit 61 home runs in 1961, a record that lasted for 37 seasons, was of Croatian descent.
Mandatory Drazen Petrovic mention:
Tiger Joe Marsh (Josip Marusic) aka Mr. Clean, was of Croatian descent. He is not to be mistaken with Josip Vucetic, the inventor of the fingerprint identification, and Mr. Clean's arch nemesis. This just got weird. Let’s move on.
The worst GM in the history of sports is of Croatian descent. No, not Isiah Thomas... Kevin McHale (whose parents apparently emigrated from Croatia AND Ireland). Even Isiah wouldn't have traded Kevin Garnett for nothing. Isiah's style is to trade nothing for crap worth less than nothing.
Australian basketball player Andrew Bogut is of Croatian descent. So are not one, but two, Australian serial killers - Ivan Milat (The Australian Backpacker Serial Killer) and Frank Vitkovic (not a serial killer, but more of a mass murderer). In a country descended from criminals, even Australians have to import Croatians to do the really bloody stuff. Like passing from the post.
Other notable Croats: John Malkovich, Diego Maradona (!), John Malkovich's head, That dude from ER all the chicks sweat (Goran Visnjic), Nela Erzisnik (Miss France 1997), Jenna Elfman (from Dharma & Greg, the cute one), and Nestor Kirchner Ostoic (Former President of Argentina; his wife currently is the President - take that Hillary Clinton) is of Croatian descent. WTF? Croatians can be President of Argentina and Miss France? Luckily, Croatians cannot become President of the U.S... sorry, Dennis Kucinich. Keep trying!
Frederick Valentich, the pilot who was kidnapped permanently by a UFO in 1978, was Croatian. The pilot was flying in a Cessna airplane off Australia, heading to Tasmania, when he started complaining to the tower, via radio, of another aircraft in his airspace. He described that the unknown aircraft had 4 bright lights, was long, and traveling fast. Oh, and it was "orbiting" above him. He finally described it as "hovering, and not an aircraft" before he and his plane permanently disappeared without a trace.
Conclusion: Well, he was probably hallucinating and crashed his own airplOH MY SWEET LORD NO WHAT IS THAT ABOVE ME IN THE SKY IT’S TAKING ME AWAY HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
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CROATIA
Stereotype: The hell is Croatia?Truth: Oooooohhhhh, it’s a country. Yeah, I’ve heard of it. It’s up there by Slomakia and Bladistan or whatever, right?
Previous Olympic History:
2008 will be their fifth Summer Olympics appearance. The motto for this year’s Olympic team is “20 Years, 12 Medals, and MOTHERFUCK Serbia.” It’s the same slogan as ’04, but with four more years and five more medals.
To date Croatia has won 12 medals in total, including 3 golds, which were immediately melted down, turned into bullets, and fired across the border. They first won the silver medal in basketball in 1992, behind Drazen Petrovic and Toni Kukoc. Toni Kukoc still has his.
They also got a couple of bronzes in tennis (men's singles and doubles) thanks to superstar Goran Ivanisevic in the 90's. Remember him?
He used to talk to himself. Like in an interview. With himself, via split screen:That's kinda weird, no?
In 1996 the handball team showed its skills, winning a gold. And their Four Square team took the bronze after the Austrian team used a Tinies shot even though Backsies and Do-Overs were SO ENTIRELY illegal. God, they were robbed.
In 2004, 80 Croatian athletes participated in 14 sports. They won 5 medals in total:
1 Gold - Men's Handball
2 Silver - Men's 50m Freestyle Swimming, Duje Draganja
Rowing, Men's Coxless Pair
Male Sopranos, Men’s Ballsless Pair
2 Bronze - Tennis, Men's Doubles
Nikolay Pechalov for weightlifting. He had previously won a gold in 2000 for weightlifting.
They also finished fourth in Men’s Team Albanian Toss. They were able to toss an Albanian 14.2 meters, but were bested by Macedonia, Slovenia, and Herzegovina (which spent that year separated from Bosnia).
2008 Olympic Prospects:
Blanka Vlasic won a gold medal in the high jump (second-best record jump in history), and is a strong potential medalist at the 2008 Olympics.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!She's forever screaming. Here's a much better picture of her:
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!Handball? Let's do our first Olympic Event preview!
Handball, or European Handball (nothing like the NYC version which involves a wall and a spaldeen/blue handball, or even better, its more gangsta offshoot "Asses Up" (gangstas LOVE asses)) is a sport where two teams of seven each (including a goalkeeper) pass and bounce a ball around, trying to get it to go into the goal.The ball is the size of one of those little Pizza Hut basketballs you got as a kid. You know, the kind that a six-year old can palm. They have small hands in Europe (it’s the diet!). You can dribble the ball; if you aren't dribbling you have to give it up within three seconds or three steps. It's similar to basketball - you got charges, double dribbles, three second violations, and the Knicks suck at it.
Despite the success of Croatia over the past two Olympic games, Sweden and Spain are historically the teams to beat in handball; although this promises to change since a new rule goes into effect this year that Swedes and Spaniards cannot use their third arms.
Your typical Swede.Sweden has won 4 of the last 8 Euro Handball Championships, with Spain being runner up three times. In the 2008 games, Croatia just edged France in the semis, and played a Denmark tam that beat Germany by just one goal. The Danish goaltender (Kasper "the friendly" Hvidt) was superb, and the Croats fell to the Danes in the finals. Watch out for the Danes, who had bronze medals in the three previous Euro Championships prior to this gold medal performance.
Here the Croats execute their dreaded offensive maneuver “The Flying Millipede”Croatia History:
The most Westernized of the Balkans, they are expecting NATO to extend them membership in April, and that soon thereafter an invite to join the EU will be coming. Such exciting times! They'll be the first former Yugoslavian country to achieve those goals, unless you count Slovenia (which they MOST CERTAINLY DO NOT). It would have been Serbia, but they can't conform to the EU's confusing rules on burning embassies.
The geographic area that currently constitutes Croatia has been ruled by everyone from the Romans to the Hungarians to the Ottomans. In 1915 Dalmatia (half of modern day Croatia) was offered by the Allies to the Italians in return for their support in WWI. They accepted, signed the Treaty of London (1915) and fought on our side in that little altercation. As soon as the war ended the U.S. said "eff that", and ignored that treaty like Bush ignores accords. Instead Dalmatia was added to the newly created Kingdom of Serbs, Croat, and Slovenes (soon to be known as Yugoslavia). The Italians were pissed, and continued to claim Dalmatia, up until 1920 when the Treaty of Rapallo officially gave it to Yugoslavia. And now you know why the Italians joined the German side in WWII. Sh*t, I wouldn't have trusted those shifty lying-ass Allies either, if I was Italy.
In fact, the first thing Italy did during WWII was take over Dalmatia. Ha ha, bitches! We back! But they lost the war, and after the war it was returned to its right home, in the peaceful, loving brotherhood known as Yugoslavia, where Slavs of all types live in harmony.
That lasted until 1991. Soon afterwards Croatia declared independence from Serbia, and a brutal civil war broke out. The Serbs were trying to keep Croatia, Bosnia and Herzegovina as part of Serbia, but everyone else wanted independence. Eventually everyone else won, and the Dayton Accord of 1995 ended the civil war, and Croatia gained independence. Until Italy took it over in 2011.
The moral of the story: the history of Dalmatia is quite spotty. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAOHGODITHURTS.
Pop Culture:
Croatia has the second-highest emigration rate in the world, behind Ireland. Unlike the Irish though, they seemingly bring none of their culture with them, so nobody really knows what Croatian culture is like. No shamrocks, pubs, Guinness, green shirts, nurses, and Sullys. Which, actually, is a credit to Croatian culture.
The capital is Zagreb. We have nothing to say about this.
Paul Newman's Main Competition Is Croatia:
Croatia is well known for its beautiful beaches and islands. The country of Croatia has over a thousand islands in the Adriatic Sea. 1,185 supposedly. 66 are inhabited. The rest just have smoke monsters.
The inhabited islands, on the other hand, look like Florida during spring break, but with more black people:
Famous Croatians:
Fritzie Zivic (Zivichich (Zivivhichivhciivhcivhicv)) was a famous welterweight boxing champion in the US during the 40's, nicknamed "The Croat Comet". After beating "Unbeatable" Henry Armstrong (take THAT superlatives!), their rematch was held in MSG (back when it was in Hell's Kitchen) in 1941, in front of 23,190 people. That is still the MSG record to this day. Fritzie is in the Boxing Hall of Fame. And probably Heaven, too, if you think about it.
The first dominant big man in the NBA, 6'10 George Mikan, was of Croatian descent. Interesting stats about Mikan's career that illustrate what a "hard foul" used to be: Mikan suffered a broken left leg, right leg, left arch, right foot, nose, thumb plus three broken fingers, a broken right wrist, 166 stitches, and four lost teeth in his NBA career. In fact, he lost those four teeth in his first NBA game. His response: "You've got to give it right back to them with a basket or a punch or they'll pound you right out of the league." He man for whom goaltending, the 24-second shot clock and the 3-second violation were introduced was also the first player elected to the Basketball Hall of Fame, in 1959.
American baseball star Roger Maris, who hit 61 home runs in 1961, a record that lasted for 37 seasons, was of Croatian descent.
Mandatory Drazen Petrovic mention:
Tiger Joe Marsh (Josip Marusic) aka Mr. Clean, was of Croatian descent. He is not to be mistaken with Josip Vucetic, the inventor of the fingerprint identification, and Mr. Clean's arch nemesis. This just got weird. Let’s move on.
The worst GM in the history of sports is of Croatian descent. No, not Isiah Thomas... Kevin McHale (whose parents apparently emigrated from Croatia AND Ireland). Even Isiah wouldn't have traded Kevin Garnett for nothing. Isiah's style is to trade nothing for crap worth less than nothing.
Australian basketball player Andrew Bogut is of Croatian descent. So are not one, but two, Australian serial killers - Ivan Milat (The Australian Backpacker Serial Killer) and Frank Vitkovic (not a serial killer, but more of a mass murderer). In a country descended from criminals, even Australians have to import Croatians to do the really bloody stuff. Like passing from the post.
Other notable Croats: John Malkovich, Diego Maradona (!), John Malkovich's head, That dude from ER all the chicks sweat (Goran Visnjic), Nela Erzisnik (Miss France 1997), Jenna Elfman (from Dharma & Greg, the cute one), and Nestor Kirchner Ostoic (Former President of Argentina; his wife currently is the President - take that Hillary Clinton) is of Croatian descent. WTF? Croatians can be President of Argentina and Miss France? Luckily, Croatians cannot become President of the U.S... sorry, Dennis Kucinich. Keep trying!
Frederick Valentich, the pilot who was kidnapped permanently by a UFO in 1978, was Croatian. The pilot was flying in a Cessna airplane off Australia, heading to Tasmania, when he started complaining to the tower, via radio, of another aircraft in his airspace. He described that the unknown aircraft had 4 bright lights, was long, and traveling fast. Oh, and it was "orbiting" above him. He finally described it as "hovering, and not an aircraft" before he and his plane permanently disappeared without a trace.
Conclusion: Well, he was probably hallucinating and crashed his own airplOH MY SWEET LORD NO WHAT IS THAT ABOVE ME IN THE SKY IT’S TAKING ME AWAY HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Special thanks to Canadian DJM, who puts the unidentified humor in our posts. Also, special thanks to Ricky for not getting too offended. Please check out our Olympic Preview Archives.
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7 Comments
Comments
stopmikelupica
said
You know, I just realized I forgot to mention pop star Severina Vuckovic and her famous sex tape. Ricky is going to be disappointed in me. I'll have to do an update post...
(gets offended and starts making calls to angry, ugly, quick-handed slavic friends in the NY area)
I won't comment until you post the Severina video
(gets back watching the video for the 197th time)
There are some interesting photos of Blanka out there, although I of course have never seen them (blinks eyes innocently). I saw them while doing research for this: http://mcbias.blogspot.com/2007/09/random-sports-crush-blanka-vlasic.html
LOL :))
great stuff, but i cant belive you forgot severina porn tape :))
p.s. it wasn't civil war
Obviously you have NO clue what you are talking about…. And obviously you don’t know anything about Croatia or its culture because if you did than you would know that Croatia is one of the most beautiful countries I have ever visited and Croatians are one of the most hospitable, nicest and welcoming people that I have ever met in my life… And just because they are more advance then the butcher neighboring Serbia there is no need for hate…. You should be a grown up and admit when some one is better and not act like a little kid trying to downplay someone’s greatness by talking shit because you are jealous. So stop trying to be funny on the account of someone else, because you are not… It only makes you sound stupid.
Note to self: Next time in Croatia, go to the place in the video above instead of here.