ESTONIA:

Stereotype:  One of those Baltic countries, like Latvia and Lithuania… probably somewhere between the first Community Chest spot and Income Tax.  Aren’t they just Russians?

Truth:  Estonia is the Baltic country that thinks it’s Nordic, not Russian.

Previous Olympic History:  In the 2004 Olympics Estonia won one silver and two bronze medals, and sent 41 competitors overall.  The silver went to Juri Jaanson (now that's a Nordic name!) in rowing (Men's Single Sculls, specifically. Which is a way, WAY more pleasant even than Men’s Single Skulls, but that only really happened at the ’72 games.  Too soon?).  This came 14 years after winning a gold medal in the 1990 World Championships in Tasmania.  This is an excuse to cue my 6th favorite cartoon theme song of all time:

 

One of the bronzes went to Aleksander Tammert, in the Men's Discus Throw, who finished 4th originally.  He got bumped up after the original gold medal winner (Robert Fazekas of Hungary) was disqualified.  Not for doing drugs, but for failing to provide a drug sample, or as it turned out, failing to submit a large enough urine sample.  That's right, he suffered from Parusesis, or pee shyness.  That's the social anxiety disorder in which a sufferer is unable to urinate in the real or imagined presence of others!  Also known as shy kidney, bashful bladder, stage fright, and urinophobia.

Indrek Pertelson won the bronze in Men's heavyweight Judo.  He originally came in ninth but then he killed all the guys who finished 3^rd-8^th.

2008 Olympic Prospects:  Hey, stick with Juri... he won the bronze in Munich during last year's world championships in the "Double Sculls" (there was a moment of silence before the event, in memoriam), so if anyone can win Estonia a medal, it's him. Aleksander Tammert won a bronze in the discus in the 2006 Championships, but finished only 8th in 2007.  In fact, fellow Estonian Gerd Kanter (American translation: Gourd Counter) has better hopes, having won silvers in both 2005 and 2006, and gold in 2007.  That's your best bet for Estonia winning a gold in 2008. It’s still not a very good bet, though.

Also, keep an eye out for Andrus Varnik in the Men's Javelin; he won a gold in the 2005 world championships, and holds the Estonia record in the javelin (six feet!); triple jumper Kaire Leibak, who won the gold in 2007 (actually took four jumps!); and Irina Embrich, a very successful female fencer (Rolex Rolex Rolex!).

Estonia History:
The ancient Estonians worshipped a God named Tharapita, whose name meant either "Thor's the Thunderbolt", "Thor, Help," "Thor (is) great" (Thor Akbar!), or “I think I have some repressed anger.”  The Estonians were big on Thor-worshipping.  In medieval days, Estonians took off Thursday (Thor's Day), and on Thursday nights they chilled in the (holy) woods, listening to a bagpipe player while dancing and singing until the dawn.  PARTY!

Soon afterwards the Germans Christianized Estonia (around the 14th century).  TOTAL LACK OF PARTY!

Yay, the Nazis are here to free us!
Estonia has been part of the Roman Empire, Denmark, Sweden, Poland-Lithunania, Germany, Russia, briefly existed as an independent republic but then OH NOES Soviet Union.  The Soviet Union took over Estonia during WWII, while the world was distracted by the Nazis taking over Paris. To be fair, Estonia isn’t a center of world fashion, so I think we can forgive the oversight.  The Nazis took over Estonia for a bit during WWII, and at first were treated as liberators freeing Estonia from Russia and their oppression.  Turns out they were just as bad as Stalin (SPOILER!).  After beating the Germans, Russia reoccupied Estonia.

In 1989, a demonstration for independence from the Soviet Union featured a human chain of more than two million people, stretching from Lithuania, Latvia and Estonia (the Baltic).  It got independence in 1991, and joined the EU in 2004.

I flow for chicks wishin’… to be Finnish:
As is the case in this part of the world, there is disagreement on whether they are Baltic or Scandinavia (Baltinaviac!).  In fact, Estonians (being related closest to Finnish people, and being former worshippers of Thor) consider themselves Nordic rather than Baltic.  The current president of Estonia once delivered a speech called "Estonia as a Nordic Country"; the government once hosted an exhibition called "Estonia: Nordic with a twist" and in 2005 Estonia joined the EU's Nordic Battle Group (insert D&D joke here).   As you can imagine, the rest of the Baltic Group feels a little slighted.  Particular Latvia.  But they’re notorious fucking whiners.  Right?  Oh, just go with it.  You couldn’t pick out Latvia on a labeled map.

Of course, if it was really "Nordic" it wouldn't have a flat income tax rate and non-socialist state model.  Get with it, Estonia.  That flat income tax?  It started at 26% in 1994, but is now 23%, and decreases every year until it reaches 18% in 2011.  Not bad when you consider the average tax is 28% in the US.  It also has what has been dubbed an "e-government", meaning a smaller than normal government.  Either that or a government controlled by ROBOTS FROM THE FUTURE.

In 2007, Estonia ranked 3rd (out of 169) in a Worldwide Press Freedom Index by Reporters Without Borders. They originally finished ninth, but then they nuked all the countries that finished 4^th-8^th. (note: did we use this joke already?  Remember to check later.)

Estonia still uses the kroon as its currency, though it intends to start using the Euro by 2010. Here’s an example of a one kroon coin:

Here's a five kroon note:
And the rarely seen one hundred kroon piece.  It gets unwieldy.

The Bronz, He Jumped The Shark:
In a Tallinn military cemetery one can find the statue known as The Bronze Soldier.  It's a Soviet-created monument that used to sit in the center of Tallinn.  It was blown up in 1946 by a couple of teenage girls, but the Soviet Union soon replaced.  It's not very well liked by Estonians.  Do you feel like you’re not getting the whole story here?  NOW YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO BE ESTONIAN.

When it was moved in April 2007 to this cemetery, it prompted outrage and rioting from Russians in Estonia (some 26% of the population of Estonia is "Russian” if you know what we’re getting at), and even more from Moscow (where according to the Putin administration 246% of the populace is Russian and THEY ALL LOVE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!). 

Famous Estonians:
Erika Eleniak, Playboy playmate.
Mena Suvari, Spacey seducer.
Contra.  That's the poet, not the Nintendo game. 

Um, that’s it.  Hell, even Guyana had more famous peeps than Estonia!

Pop Culture:
I found this report that analyzes Estonian jokes:

A Scot is reading a book, switching the light off for a moment and then switching it back on.
“What are you doing?” his wife asks him.
“I can turn pages also in the dark!”

It took me a while to figure out that this is a joke stereotyping Scots for being stingy.
 
Two Estonians are sitting by a camp fire.
“Christmas is nice!” says one of them.
Half an hour later, the other replies: “Yes, Christmas is nice, but a woman is even nicer!”
Another half-hour later the first man replies: “Yes, a woman is better, but Christmas comes more often!”

This is also a joke stereotyping Scots for being stingy, but it’s too difficult to translate the idiom.

It also does a breakdown of punchlines of Estonian jokes by ethnicity:

My favorite things about this graph?  One, that Estonians make fun of themselves the third-most amount of times (every single time by accident, because they forget the original target of the joke).  Two, that everything added up equals about 15%.  That’s because the other 85% are about how fucking stingy the Scots are.  Fucking Scots.  Seriously, though, right?  Fuck them.

“Chukchi”s, in case you were wondering (I was!) are Russian Eskimos.  Their name means “rich in reindeer” in Russian.  Chukchi’s are also regarded in Russian (and apparently Estonian) culture for this reputed custom: “if a man should take in a traveler for the night, he should "lend" the traveler his wife for the night as well as part of his hospitality.” Gentlemen, book your plane tickets to… uh… Chuk…chi…a. Chukchia. Somewhere.Chukistan.

Moving on, an Estonian named Ado Kosk invented a sport named "kiiking" in 1996.  I'm already fearful of where this is going... here is how it works, according to its Wikipedia entry:

In a kiiking swing, the swing arms are made of steel to enable a person to swing 360 degrees going over the spindle of the swing . A person is fastened to the swing base by their feet. To swing the person begins to pump by squatting and standing up on the swing. The swing will gain momentum and will by skillful pumping take a person across the spindle. Ado Kosk observed that it is more difficult to get across a spindle the longer the swing arms. He then designed and patented telescoping swing arms to gradually extend the arms for an increased challenge. A person to swing across the spindle with longest swing arms is a winner. The current record stands at the length of 7 meters and 2 centimeters and is held by Andrus Aasamäe who is now for the current living in Estonian National Insanity Hospital after horrific Kiiking accident involving spindle.

What does all that mean?  It means that it's a big ass swing, literally.  Oh and also, we made up the end of that last sentence. OR DID WE?

You Tube Clips:
Here is video of the aforementioned riots in Estonia after the removal of the Bronze Soldier statue.  Pay close attention at about 27 seconds into to see great footage of the Estonian Adrian Peterson putting on a clinic on how to break tackles and elude riot police...

I love how you can hear the crowd cheer as HE COULD GO GET A-WAY.  That's why they call him "Latvian Sweetness".

And here is some Estonia rap.  I know, it's not much, but I had to add it for a few reasons.
1) Jazz flute!
2)  The black and white footage of 1950's Estonia is off the hook.  Athletes training in the middle of the street.
3)  Once again, seeing foreign rap reminds me how, thanks to the incredible popularity of hip hop worldwide, there are now white people rhyming offbeat in every corner of the planet:

On the plus side of hip hop's globalization, 50 Cent is now able to corrupt the youth of other countries as well.

In Soviet Estonia, chicks wear condoms they find on the floor.  For protection.  From bears:

Beer commercials make even less sense in Soviet Estonia (DJM’s note: there’s no possible way that’s true. No commercial will ever make less sense than that commercial (Coors Light?) where that jackass just sang about all the stuff he loved (I! LOVE! BURRITOS AT 4AM!). That’s the single most nonsensical commercial in history. Anyway, this commercial here is still pretty fucking funny):

There is something sexually suggestive about this commercial.

Conclusion:  Estonia sounds like it would be a nice place to travel, so I’m planning on WHOOPS they just got invaded by Russia. Oh well!

Special thanks as always to DJM, who invaded this post with his army of humor.  Also, please check out the rest of our 2008 Olympic Previews!

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