by Stop Mike Lupica on December 10 at 12:58PM
GEORGIA:
Stereotype: Coke Museum, Dogfighting, Turner Network Television
Truth: Songs have always accompanied the Georgians in joy and sorrow, in battle and labor. Special drinking songs and wedding songs ( if it is a wedding party) as well as chants full of humor, sung by guests during the course of the party contest. It may sound strange but sometimes even events of social, economic and political significance are discussed during the table talks, and some problems are solved peacefully. The atmosphere at the Georgian table is so friendly and candid that even the enemies are likely to make up. If there is enough room at the party you make take part in folk dances. In these dances and at the table men ought to be gentlemen and try to be very polite and respect the ladies.
Previous Olympic History:
Georgia finished 32nd (Two to the Fightin’ Fifth Power!) at the 2004 Summer Games, making it the most successful country we have profiled to date. They won 2 gold and 2 silver medals. They were awarded one bronze medal but turned it down, because in Georgia bronze is a symbol of pederasty.
That last part’s not true, but for a second there you wondered, right?
George Asanidze won a gold in weightlifting; Zurab Zviadauri won the gold in men's judo, but finished dead last in Men’s Alphabetizing; Nestor Khergiani won a silver in judo, and Ramaz Nozadze won a silver in wrestling.
They also have women in Georgia (real ones!), and those some of them have bows and arrows. Two Georgian women finished in the top 51 in the women's individual archery event at the Summer Games in 2004. Then they shot each other, for they were in love with the same man! Tragic. Just tragic. It’s the second biggest Olympic tragedy after Munich. No, not the actual events in Munich, just the movie based on them. Did you see that shit? That shit sucked.
2008 Olympic Prospects:
Besides the likely wrestling and judo champions (never fight a Georgian. It won’t end well for you.), there is champion archer Natalia Nasaridze (previously finished 14th in Women’s Alliteration). She has won 5 golds and 3 bronzes at the European Championships, and once set an Olympic record by scoring 168 points in an 18 arrow match during the 1996 Olympics in, coincidentally, Georgia.
She competes for Turkey, though. BURN!
Georgian History:
Located on the Black Sea (it looks darker at night), Georgia is a country that is both in Eastern Europe and Western Asia. Let that sink in for a second. It just blew your fucking mind, didn’t it? And THAT’S why you keep coming back!
The country's population is less than 5,000,000 (but they lead the world in smiles!), and over a million live in the capital city of Tbisili (pronounced “Atlanta”).
That was Lee-see:
For the record, though it is often pronounced as "Tib-LEE-see", the actual Georgian pronunciation is much closer to "Bill-EE-see" (very soft, aspirated "T"). Which makes a lot of sense, if you don’t think about it at all.
Michelangelo Was Late, A Party Dude:
Georgia beat Europe to the Renaissance by several hundred years, having theirs around the 12-13th century. They had all the characteristics: magnificent art, floppy hats, secular culture, rampant pederasty, all types of cool things like breakthroughs in technology and religious and ethnic tolerance (though probably this did not include tolerance for Judaism, since… well… nothing ever really does). This was especially very useful in a Christian country surrounded by Islamic countries during the Crusades.
Of course this was all interrupted when the Mongols invaded in the 13th century (KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!). Then came the Persians, the Turks, and well... eventually the Georgian empire broke up into several small kingdoms (the three largest being Alabama, Mississippi, and Abkhazia).
Needing help to regroup, they asked Russia for some protection. Whoops. Instead Georgia became a part of the Russian Empire, until the Democratic Republic of Georgia was gloriously established in 1918. Nothing like a good World War to redraw the map lines, eh?
In 1922 Georgia was occupied and incorporated into the Soviet Union. So it goes.
Georgia declared independence in 1991. Once again it was ahead of the curve, as it did so a couple of months before the Soviet Union officially broke up.
The More Things Change, Rose Revolution Edition:
In 2003 Georgia kicked off the revolution fad in the Central Eurasia area when it bloodlessly overthrew Eduard Shevardnadze (English translation: Edward Scissorhands), who had ruled the country since its independence. After winning what was believed to be a rigged election, a massive anti-government demonstration in Tbilisi protested, and eventually seized Parliament, forcing the President to flee. He lost the backing of the military, and eventually resigned.
But all is not well in the nation of Georgia: on November 7th, 2007 (Breaking News!), there were massive protests against the current President (Saakashvili). He declared a state of emergency, and military police used tear-gas, water cannons and what the Wikipedia describes as "acoustic weapons" (like sonic grenades, sonic mines, and sonic cannons, but not "sonic kicks" and "sonic booms" ):
In all seriousness, you can see an on-the-spot news report on the clash, including mentions of the sonic weapons, here in some detail:
I Believe Gil Heron Scott Could Have Predicted This:
Scores of people were allegedly injured or beaten. The government then declared a state of emergency for the next two weeks. Government police took over opposition television stations. Reruns were shown. It was terrible. Some of those reruns were really old.
Famous Georgians:
The Original Georgia Bulldog:
There was a Georgian-born communist radical named Ioseb Jughashvili who rose to prominence among the Russian Bolsheviks. He eventually came to power in the new Soviet Union, reaching its highest position. By that point he was better known by his new name, which he called himself, from the Russian word for "Man of Steel": Joseph Stalin. Didn’t see that twist coming, did you Shyamalan?
In fact there is a Stalin Museum in Gori, Georgia (his hometown), where one can read some of his poetry (he was a poet for a while before trying his hand at despot-ing). An example follows:
It has been said in times of yore,
That roses are quite lovely red;
And violets blue, it’s true! But more,
DIE DIE DIE DIE NOW YOU’RE DEAD
Also Known As King Niles The Architect:
One famous Georgian during the Renaissance was the Georgian King known as David the Builder (pictured).
2 famous Mamluk leaders in Egypt, Ibrahim Beg and Usman Beg, were of Georgian decent. In fact, the Russians were so scared to let the Mamluks back into Georgia, they did not help the Mamluks as they fought for independence for Egypt.
If you don't know about these bad asses known as Mamluk, let me give you a quick rundown: They are a slave warrior caste that rose to power. Some were known to have cut off their own genitals, because they felt it made them stronger than their opponents (which… OK, that takes guts, but it’s also, um, wrong). Napoleon picked up a few he found in the Ottoman Empire for his army, and promptly became the first French person to win a fight since the 10th century.
In fact, Napoleon's famous bodyguard Roustam was an Armenian Mamluk who was born in Tbilisi, Georgia. He was kidnapped when he was a child, sold into slavery in Cairo, and eventually was "presented" to Napoleon, who he would bodily-guard for the next 16 years. We'll have more on them when we get to Egypt and France.
Though he put his business headquarters in Georgia, billionaire businessman and philanthropist Ted Turner was actually born in Cincinnati, Ohio.
The NBA has had a few Georgians: Nikoloz Tskitishvili, Zaza Pachulia, and Greek Jake Tsakalidis (the "idis" ending, the Greek Prof once told us, meant that he's a Greek of Georgian descent).
And pretty much anyone you have ever met whose last name ends in either "adze" or "vili" is likely a Georgian.
Sweet Georgia Brown is not Georgian. And these are not the Harlem Globetrotters, but they are funtastic none the less:
Oh, come on now... I can't not give you some Harlem Globetrotters highlights set to Sweet Georgia Brown! Here you go:
Georgia in general:
Georgia has good relations with Armenia, Azerbaijan and Turkey. It also does well with the Ukraine. Of course, it has had its share of beefs with Russia (pictured).
It hopes to join NATO in 2009, and gets along well with the USA. In fact, it has a battalion of troops guarding Iraqi diplomats in the Green Zone inside Baghdad. Recently George Bush became the first sitting US President to visit the country, and the government responded by naming the street that leads to Tbilisi International Airport "George W. Bush Avenue." No matter what happens on the street, what damage it takes, or how many obstacles it runs into, you can be assured that that road will stay the course.
The currency is called the "lari." It is divided into 100 tetri:
In case you are wondering:
A Georgian...
...artist appears on the 1 lari note
...music composer on the 2 lari note
...historian on the 5 lari note
...poet on the 10 lari note
...writer and statesman on the 20 lari note
...queen on the 50 lari note
...poet on the 100 lari note
...soldier and anti-Soviet leader on the 200 lari note
...and Georgian King David the Builder appears on the 500 lari note
So, yes: it appears that Georgia is 100% gay.
Bonus Countries: Breakaway Threats Edition
Georgia Ain't On My Mind
Though they are not yet recognized by most of the outside world, Georgia has two Russian-supported regions outside the control of their government: Abkhazia (pronounced “Montana”) and South Ossetia.
Both regions broke off during the Georgian Civil War following independence (1992-1995). Both sides tried hard to reanimate William Tecumseh Sherman as he had such success defeating Georgia last time, but neither side was successful. Since they were and still are strongly supported by Russia, they have maintained a de facto independence from Georgia.
Abkhazia, which sounds like a prison in Harry Potter, is actually located on the Black Sea, and borders Russia to the North. Sukhumi is the capital.
Abkhazia declared independence from Georgia in 1992, and fought for over a year with Georgian troops until they were defeated. Numerous Georgians were ethnically cleansed from Abkhazia by Abkhaz separatists, with the help of Chechens and Russian militant groups; many more were mass deported (maybe as many as 250,000).
The population of Abkhazia is believed to be less than 200,000. Its currency is the Russian ruble, and its economy is strongly supported by Russian business and tourism. And Russia also issues the citizens of Abkhazia special passports, so they can travel overseas (since they don't use Georgian passports, and Abkhazia is not an internationally recognized country).
It has a cool flag:
(REACH FOR THE STARS! YOU’RE ALMOST THERE!)
Abkhazia might also play a big part in the 2014 Winter Olympics, which are scheduled to be held in the Russian city of Sochi, which is in South Russia, very close to their border. The Russian and Abkhazian governments want to use some of Abkhazia's facilities for Olympic-related projects. The government of Georgia is a little pissed about that.
The population of 200,000 (very sketchy figures available) is believed to be 22% Georgian, 45% Abkhaz, 11% Russian, 20% Armenian, with a small number of Greeks.
South Ossetia is a region in Georgia's east coast that also borders Russia. It's government claimed independence from Georgia in 1992, and wants to join North Ossetia, which is ethnically similar and part of Russia. Russia does not "officially" recognize the South Ossetia government, but again, it “supplies” them with “passports” and “currency.” “Wink.” “Wink.” “Nudge.” “Nudge.”
Oh, and there is the semi-separate autonomous republic of Adjara. It's a region that was created by the Turks when they were in charge in the 18th century to be the home of the Muslim Georgians. It's debatable how many Muslims Georgians still live in Adjara; the best guess is around 50% of the population is Islamic, and the other 50% is Georgian Orthodox.
My favorite thing about this small breakaway country is that its flag looks like the Georgian flag was eaten by a really big Greek (?) flag....
Its capital is Batumi, where Russia “officially” maintains a military base. This base is scheduled to close in 2009, and the region has been losing some of its autonomy to the Georgian government since the Rose Revolution. However, it is still a breakaway threat, too.
Pop Culture:
Here's something fascinating and probably totally unrelated: David Lynch, while directing Twin Peaks, produced a series of commercials for a non-American company called "Georgia Coffee". I think they are a Japanese company. The commercials are set in Twin Peaks, and are about a Japanese man trying to find his missing wife with Agent Cooper's help:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
People drive... poorly/dangerously... in Georgia:
In addition to that clip there are various on YouTube of drag racing in Tbilisi, set to Georgian hip hop music ("So-So Def").
Conclusion:
Georgia… um… certainly does exist.
Special thanks to DJM, a.k.a King DJM The Builder, for helping architect this post.
To see the rest of the SML's 2008 Olympic Previews, click here.
Leave a comment
Stereotype: Coke Museum, Dogfighting, Turner Network TelevisionTruth: Songs have always accompanied the Georgians in joy and sorrow, in battle and labor. Special drinking songs and wedding songs ( if it is a wedding party) as well as chants full of humor, sung by guests during the course of the party contest. It may sound strange but sometimes even events of social, economic and political significance are discussed during the table talks, and some problems are solved peacefully. The atmosphere at the Georgian table is so friendly and candid that even the enemies are likely to make up. If there is enough room at the party you make take part in folk dances. In these dances and at the table men ought to be gentlemen and try to be very polite and respect the ladies.
Previous Olympic History:
Georgia finished 32nd (Two to the Fightin’ Fifth Power!) at the 2004 Summer Games, making it the most successful country we have profiled to date. They won 2 gold and 2 silver medals. They were awarded one bronze medal but turned it down, because in Georgia bronze is a symbol of pederasty.
That last part’s not true, but for a second there you wondered, right?
George Asanidze won a gold in weightlifting; Zurab Zviadauri won the gold in men's judo, but finished dead last in Men’s Alphabetizing; Nestor Khergiani won a silver in judo, and Ramaz Nozadze won a silver in wrestling.
They also have women in Georgia (real ones!), and those some of them have bows and arrows. Two Georgian women finished in the top 51 in the women's individual archery event at the Summer Games in 2004. Then they shot each other, for they were in love with the same man! Tragic. Just tragic. It’s the second biggest Olympic tragedy after Munich. No, not the actual events in Munich, just the movie based on them. Did you see that shit? That shit sucked.
2008 Olympic Prospects:Besides the likely wrestling and judo champions (never fight a Georgian. It won’t end well for you.), there is champion archer Natalia Nasaridze (previously finished 14th in Women’s Alliteration). She has won 5 golds and 3 bronzes at the European Championships, and once set an Olympic record by scoring 168 points in an 18 arrow match during the 1996 Olympics in, coincidentally, Georgia.
She competes for Turkey, though. BURN!
Georgian History:
Located on the Black Sea (it looks darker at night), Georgia is a country that is both in Eastern Europe and Western Asia. Let that sink in for a second. It just blew your fucking mind, didn’t it? And THAT’S why you keep coming back!
The country's population is less than 5,000,000 (but they lead the world in smiles!), and over a million live in the capital city of Tbisili (pronounced “Atlanta”).
That was Lee-see:
For the record, though it is often pronounced as "Tib-LEE-see", the actual Georgian pronunciation is much closer to "Bill-EE-see" (very soft, aspirated "T"). Which makes a lot of sense, if you don’t think about it at all.
Michelangelo Was Late, A Party Dude:
Georgia beat Europe to the Renaissance by several hundred years, having theirs around the 12-13th century. They had all the characteristics: magnificent art, floppy hats, secular culture, rampant pederasty, all types of cool things like breakthroughs in technology and religious and ethnic tolerance (though probably this did not include tolerance for Judaism, since… well… nothing ever really does). This was especially very useful in a Christian country surrounded by Islamic countries during the Crusades.
Of course this was all interrupted when the Mongols invaded in the 13th century (KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!). Then came the Persians, the Turks, and well... eventually the Georgian empire broke up into several small kingdoms (the three largest being Alabama, Mississippi, and Abkhazia).
Needing help to regroup, they asked Russia for some protection. Whoops. Instead Georgia became a part of the Russian Empire, until the Democratic Republic of Georgia was gloriously established in 1918. Nothing like a good World War to redraw the map lines, eh?
In 1922 Georgia was occupied and incorporated into the Soviet Union. So it goes.
Georgia declared independence in 1991. Once again it was ahead of the curve, as it did so a couple of months before the Soviet Union officially broke up.
The More Things Change, Rose Revolution Edition:
In 2003 Georgia kicked off the revolution fad in the Central Eurasia area when it bloodlessly overthrew Eduard Shevardnadze (English translation: Edward Scissorhands), who had ruled the country since its independence. After winning what was believed to be a rigged election, a massive anti-government demonstration in Tbilisi protested, and eventually seized Parliament, forcing the President to flee. He lost the backing of the military, and eventually resigned.
But all is not well in the nation of Georgia: on November 7th, 2007 (Breaking News!), there were massive protests against the current President (Saakashvili). He declared a state of emergency, and military police used tear-gas, water cannons and what the Wikipedia describes as "acoustic weapons" (like sonic grenades, sonic mines, and sonic cannons, but not "sonic kicks" and "sonic booms" ):
In all seriousness, you can see an on-the-spot news report on the clash, including mentions of the sonic weapons, here in some detail:I Believe Gil Heron Scott Could Have Predicted This:
Scores of people were allegedly injured or beaten. The government then declared a state of emergency for the next two weeks. Government police took over opposition television stations. Reruns were shown. It was terrible. Some of those reruns were really old.
Famous Georgians:
The Original Georgia Bulldog:
There was a Georgian-born communist radical named Ioseb Jughashvili who rose to prominence among the Russian Bolsheviks. He eventually came to power in the new Soviet Union, reaching its highest position. By that point he was better known by his new name, which he called himself, from the Russian word for "Man of Steel": Joseph Stalin. Didn’t see that twist coming, did you Shyamalan?
In fact there is a Stalin Museum in Gori, Georgia (his hometown), where one can read some of his poetry (he was a poet for a while before trying his hand at despot-ing). An example follows:
It has been said in times of yore,
That roses are quite lovely red;
And violets blue, it’s true! But more,
DIE DIE DIE DIE NOW YOU’RE DEAD
Also Known As King Niles The Architect:
One famous Georgian during the Renaissance was the Georgian King known as David the Builder (pictured).
2 famous Mamluk leaders in Egypt, Ibrahim Beg and Usman Beg, were of Georgian decent. In fact, the Russians were so scared to let the Mamluks back into Georgia, they did not help the Mamluks as they fought for independence for Egypt.If you don't know about these bad asses known as Mamluk, let me give you a quick rundown: They are a slave warrior caste that rose to power. Some were known to have cut off their own genitals, because they felt it made them stronger than their opponents (which… OK, that takes guts, but it’s also, um, wrong). Napoleon picked up a few he found in the Ottoman Empire for his army, and promptly became the first French person to win a fight since the 10th century.
In fact, Napoleon's famous bodyguard Roustam was an Armenian Mamluk who was born in Tbilisi, Georgia. He was kidnapped when he was a child, sold into slavery in Cairo, and eventually was "presented" to Napoleon, who he would bodily-guard for the next 16 years. We'll have more on them when we get to Egypt and France.
Though he put his business headquarters in Georgia, billionaire businessman and philanthropist Ted Turner was actually born in Cincinnati, Ohio.
The NBA has had a few Georgians: Nikoloz Tskitishvili, Zaza Pachulia, and Greek Jake Tsakalidis (the "idis" ending, the Greek Prof once told us, meant that he's a Greek of Georgian descent).
And pretty much anyone you have ever met whose last name ends in either "adze" or "vili" is likely a Georgian.
Sweet Georgia Brown is not Georgian. And these are not the Harlem Globetrotters, but they are funtastic none the less:
Oh, come on now... I can't not give you some Harlem Globetrotters highlights set to Sweet Georgia Brown! Here you go:
Georgia in general:
Georgia has good relations with Armenia, Azerbaijan and Turkey. It also does well with the Ukraine. Of course, it has had its share of beefs with Russia (pictured).
It hopes to join NATO in 2009, and gets along well with the USA. In fact, it has a battalion of troops guarding Iraqi diplomats in the Green Zone inside Baghdad. Recently George Bush became the first sitting US President to visit the country, and the government responded by naming the street that leads to Tbilisi International Airport "George W. Bush Avenue." No matter what happens on the street, what damage it takes, or how many obstacles it runs into, you can be assured that that road will stay the course.The currency is called the "lari." It is divided into 100 tetri:
In case you are wondering: A Georgian...
...artist appears on the 1 lari note
...music composer on the 2 lari note
...historian on the 5 lari note
...poet on the 10 lari note
...writer and statesman on the 20 lari note
...queen on the 50 lari note
...poet on the 100 lari note
...soldier and anti-Soviet leader on the 200 lari note
...and Georgian King David the Builder appears on the 500 lari note
So, yes: it appears that Georgia is 100% gay.
Bonus Countries: Breakaway Threats Edition
Georgia Ain't On My Mind
Though they are not yet recognized by most of the outside world, Georgia has two Russian-supported regions outside the control of their government: Abkhazia (pronounced “Montana”) and South Ossetia.
Both regions broke off during the Georgian Civil War following independence (1992-1995). Both sides tried hard to reanimate William Tecumseh Sherman as he had such success defeating Georgia last time, but neither side was successful. Since they were and still are strongly supported by Russia, they have maintained a de facto independence from Georgia.
Abkhazia, which sounds like a prison in Harry Potter, is actually located on the Black Sea, and borders Russia to the North. Sukhumi is the capital.
Abkhazia declared independence from Georgia in 1992, and fought for over a year with Georgian troops until they were defeated. Numerous Georgians were ethnically cleansed from Abkhazia by Abkhaz separatists, with the help of Chechens and Russian militant groups; many more were mass deported (maybe as many as 250,000).
The population of Abkhazia is believed to be less than 200,000. Its currency is the Russian ruble, and its economy is strongly supported by Russian business and tourism. And Russia also issues the citizens of Abkhazia special passports, so they can travel overseas (since they don't use Georgian passports, and Abkhazia is not an internationally recognized country).
It has a cool flag:
(REACH FOR THE STARS! YOU’RE ALMOST THERE!) Abkhazia might also play a big part in the 2014 Winter Olympics, which are scheduled to be held in the Russian city of Sochi, which is in South Russia, very close to their border. The Russian and Abkhazian governments want to use some of Abkhazia's facilities for Olympic-related projects. The government of Georgia is a little pissed about that.
The population of 200,000 (very sketchy figures available) is believed to be 22% Georgian, 45% Abkhaz, 11% Russian, 20% Armenian, with a small number of Greeks.
South Ossetia is a region in Georgia's east coast that also borders Russia. It's government claimed independence from Georgia in 1992, and wants to join North Ossetia, which is ethnically similar and part of Russia. Russia does not "officially" recognize the South Ossetia government, but again, it “supplies” them with “passports” and “currency.” “Wink.” “Wink.” “Nudge.” “Nudge.”
Oh, and there is the semi-separate autonomous republic of Adjara. It's a region that was created by the Turks when they were in charge in the 18th century to be the home of the Muslim Georgians. It's debatable how many Muslims Georgians still live in Adjara; the best guess is around 50% of the population is Islamic, and the other 50% is Georgian Orthodox.
My favorite thing about this small breakaway country is that its flag looks like the Georgian flag was eaten by a really big Greek (?) flag....
Its capital is Batumi, where Russia “officially” maintains a military base. This base is scheduled to close in 2009, and the region has been losing some of its autonomy to the Georgian government since the Rose Revolution. However, it is still a breakaway threat, too.Pop Culture:
Here's something fascinating and probably totally unrelated: David Lynch, while directing Twin Peaks, produced a series of commercials for a non-American company called "Georgia Coffee". I think they are a Japanese company. The commercials are set in Twin Peaks, and are about a Japanese man trying to find his missing wife with Agent Cooper's help:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
People drive... poorly/dangerously... in Georgia:
In addition to that clip there are various on YouTube of drag racing in Tbilisi, set to Georgian hip hop music ("So-So Def").
Conclusion:
Georgia… um… certainly does exist.
Special thanks to DJM, a.k.a King DJM The Builder, for helping architect this post.
To see the rest of the SML's 2008 Olympic Previews, click here.
Leave a comment
|
11 Comments
Comments
Dude, on this blog, that's not particularly difficult.
Very informative! Also some facts you might wish to know - Georgians are the original Caucasians and therefore the whitest people in the world, edging out Milwaukee Brewers fans. And Niko Tshkitsvili actually has a very funny blog like Paul Shirley, only its all in his head right now and only Chad Ford can read it.
stopmikelupica
said
Good stuff, Five Pound Bag!
great text and even greater comment by Fan Pund bag
thanks both
Now that's how you have to react to such demonstrations...BRAVO !
you are dickhead . did you know georgia wery well?never sey bad thinks about georgia.understand mutelo
you have spent a lot of time discovering the georgia but i think you either been fucked by georgian or pissed.
PS: (kidevac daizrdebian algets lekvebi mgliani ise ar amockdebian javri ar schamon mtrisani) try to tranlate this you dickhead
you are trying to be funny but guess what you are not dude
You need to get your facts straight moron. I don't even know where to start. Somebody, please tell me where can I find this idiot.
don't dare to pronounce Georgia again you fuckin bastard. Come to Georgia and I'll show u who is gay, you son of bitch. David builder is the best politician in the world. If he had an army, like Alexander Makedonian, the whole world would have been the Georgia.
FIRST!