Stereotypes: Didn't Borat invent this country?
Truth: That's ridiculous. Borat is a fictional character. Sacha Baron Cohen invented this country.
Olympic History:
If you want to read about Uzbeks who participated with the USSR team (starting in 1952), check out this site. Our favorite part is how every Olympic recap, after highlighting all the positive accomplishments, always ends on a downer. Examples:
The ship was cheered, the harbour cleared,
Merrily did we drop
Archly knocked on the eve of the start
Below the lighthouse top.
There’s no way any of us would notice if that line was just slipped in there, right? So that being said: what the fuck does it mean? No idea. Anyway, now on to modern times.
In 1996 Armen Bagdasarov won a silver medal in Judo, and Karim Tulaganov won a bronze in Boxing. Today, they are assistant managers of Uzbek Bread Depository.
In 2000, Mahamadkadyz Abdullaev won Uzbekistan’s first gold, in Boxing. Artur Taymazov won a silver in wrestling, and 2 other boxers won bronzes. Today, they all work as guards at the one rich Uzbek’s house.
In 2004, Uzbekistan ranked 34th in the medal standings, with 2 golds - Artur Taymazov won the gold in Wrestling this time, and Alexandr Doktuishvili won a gold in another Wrestling weight class. Magomed Ibragimov won a silver medal in Wrestling. He is not the same “Magomed Ibragimov” that became the first medalist in Macedonia’s history when he won a bronze medal in 2000. However, he’s now that guy’s personal shoe-shiner (and alternate masseur). Sometimes people come in and say “Hey, Magomed Ibragimov!” and they both say “Yes!” and then they laugh and laugh, and then the Macedonian one beats the shit out of the Uzbeki one with a switch cut from the nearest olive tree, as is the local custom. Wait, what were we talking about?
2008 Olympic Prospects:
Boxing and wrestling, no doubt (Uzbeks are good at fighting. Only the strong get to breed.) Uzbekistan sent 9 boxers to Athens in 2004, with all nine making it to the round of 32. Three barely missed medaling by being defeated in the quarterfinals, which kind of sums up life in Uzbekistan. But expect them to do well in those two events.
Also, keep an eye on Manzura Inoyatova in Table Tennis. She doesn’t really stand a chance to win – she’s ranked #169 in Asia, and #436 in the world, but… I can’t find any pictures of her on the internet. So literally, keep an eye for her at the Olympics, and let me know if you see her scheduled for an event. Although she is a world-class table tennis player, today, she is fourteenth best street sweeper in all of Uzbekistan (counting only women).
Current Issues:
Uzbekistan (or "Becky", as the rest of the Stans like to call it) is the most populous country in Central Asia, with 27.7 million people. It has the largest military force in the region, too - 65,000 strong, almost nine of whom have guns (they brought their own). The government is moving towards a smaller force built around special units, which makes sense since it’s unlikely that, you know, Russia or China are interested in any sort of military action, what with them being run by sane, calm leaders right now.
Does That Mean It Can Bend Its Elbow in Both Directions?: Uzbekistan is one of two double landlocked countries in the world. That means that it is surround only by other landlocked countries. The only other double landlocked country in the world is Liechtenstein. Uzbekistan could totally beat Liechtenstein in a wrestling match. In fact, they proposed that last year, but Liechtenstein replied “What was that? Sorry, we can’t hear you, our ears are stuffed with money.” Uzbekistan could be heard quietly crying to itself in the corner, saying it would never have any friends ever.
Back In The USSR: In Uzbekistan it is hard to find people who don’t miss the old CCCP. The country had a better overall economy, and more freedoms, back under Russian rule. Read that last sentence again. We’re joking around a lot but seriously… MORE freedoms under USSR? That’s legitimately horrible. Uzbeks hate Gorbechev and blame him for the collapse of the Soviet Union (not Ronald Reagan or David Hasselhoff (or Rocky)). For more on that topic, check out this blog.
The capital of The Uz is Tashkent. It is the only city in the Central Asia region with a subway system, consisting of three lines. It opened in 1977 and is considered one of the cleanest in the world, and not only because nobody in the country can afford to ride it. To go in you have to pass through a metal detector. They will check your bag to see if you have a bomb. If you have a bomb they will shoot you. It’s like London, only you need to actually have a bomb!
Subway stations in Tashkent, much like in DC, are also meant to double as a bomb and nuclear shelter (designed in the 70s, remember?), whereas subway stations in NYC are apparently meant to double as public urinals. Tashkent is also home to the TV Tower, the highest construction in the entire Central Asia region, at 375 meters tall:
Aral Population Issues:
Keep The Noise Down, Sonny!
34% of the population of Uzbekistan is under 14 years old. In an odd coincidence, another 14% of the population is exactly 34.
My Majik Trick: Making Tajiks Disappear:
80% of the population is listed as "Uzbeks", according to the government, with 5.5.% Russian and 5% Tajik. There are many who believe the Tajik population is far higher than that, maybe as high as 40%. But you can’t give those Tajiks an inch, or they’ll be all out in the street doing… you know… Tajik stuff.
Kazakhs account for 3% of the population, Taters 1.5%, and Karakalpaks 2.5%
Bonustan: The Nukus on the Block: What is a Karakalpak? Their name means "Black Hat" (no one knows why they have that name (except for us, but we’re not telling)), and they live in the Republic of Karakalpakstan, an autonomous region in Uzbekistan. It has its own capital (Nukus), its own government, its own President (Musa Yerniyazov), its own constitution, and its own flag:
They are most similar culturally to those nomad Kazakhs, but with more colorful "costumes", clothes and yurts. The population of Karakalpakstan is about 1.2 million, with 400,000 Karakalpaks, 400,000 Uzbeks, and 300,000 Kazakhs. AA Gill wrote in the NY Times magazine in 2000 that Karakalpakstan was "the worst place in the world". Apparently access to the dried up bed of the Aral Sea equals a "hellishly arid landscape". So in summary: it’s like Fresno, only Communist.Pop Culture:
Here is an awesomely cute Pixar short that teaches us the children a lesson in patience (soon you'll be doing the laughing!), redone in Uzbek. Made all the more compelling by the odd choice of music:
I'm actually surprised Pixar didn't use Tupac and Snoop in the original short. It works well with the principles of the short.
Beer commercials in Uzbekistan aren't too different from the ones here:
See, "Sexy girl = beer sales" is universal.
Those damn Romanians posted this video trying to make fun of Uzbekistan, but don't be fooled!:
Come on now... that had to have taken place in Eastern Europe. Everyone knows there are no cars in Uzbekistan to tow!
The daughter of President Islom Karimov, Gulnara Karimova, is also a pop singer in Uzbekistan. That gives her an advantage, as she has access to special effects for her video. Here is some of her work.
Also popular is singer Yulduz Usmanova, nicknamed "The Uzbek Madonna", who composed the country's national anthem.
And here is some Uzbek rap:
Conclusion:
Uzbekistan was once to being a very proud nations in Central Asia. Today, is contracted disease and works instead as prostitute to distant coastal nations.
Special thanks as always to DJM productions for infusing the humor into this. The man is a legend.
For the rest of the 2008 Olympic Previews so far check out:
Trinidad and Tobago
Tajikistan
Former Yugoslavian Republic of Macedonia
Belgium
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Dutch people.
I'm pretty sure Borat is from Kazakshtan. If you were kidding, I didn't get it LOL
Notable uzbekistan athlete: cyclist Djamolidine (!!) Abdujaparov, early 90's
Yeah, we were kidding. The point of these is actually to make fun of American's stereotypes, and how little they know about foreign countries. Shhh, don't tell anyone!
LMAO thanks for making me feel like a COMPLETE idiot, before this at least I was having some doubts :-)
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A great read, SML...very entertaining and creative.
Curious about the population numbers though...who are the missing 2 and a half percent?