The fact that I don't even need to tell you which team represents Good and which stands for Evil says a lot (particularly about how low my writing has sunk).  You knew instantly which was which, didn't you? Unless you thought that the Red Sox stood for "Good" in which case: no, no, I mean the Rockies are good. Sorry to confuse you. I spend quite a lot of time at the Brookings Institute (mayhaps you've heard of it?), and am unused to having to explain myself. No matter.

Argument for the Colorado Rockies as paladins (fancy word!) who carry the banner of that which is beneficent (Latinate word! Even better!):  Sportsmanship, honesty, devotion to community, embrace of traditional mountain life (although without the excessive beard-growth or cannibalism that often spoils such life), belief in higher power, even the love of laughter. I have never ever seen a Colorado Rockies game in which the entire team wasn't laughing literally the entire time. This may be because I've never seen a Colorado Rockies game, but whatever. Those dudes laugh. I can tell.  They are Good made manifest (more Latin! You can't stop me, you can only hope to contain me!) Todd Helton has never touched a steroid; Matt Holliday never touched home plate.   We all know about the power of religion in the Colorado locker room, and how Christian God and his angels have gotten the Rockies as far as they have come.

Their starting ace is Tony Danza, they got the kid from Third Rock in the stands flapping his arms, and I'm not sure but I'm fairly certain I saw Christopher Lloyd appear in a burst of light over Coors Field. They're positively ANGELIC, damn you!  Their OF never takes bathroom breaks in the middle of the game. Their infield doesn't take bathroom breaks period, having been born sans anus (I got French in there too!).  Their team's star, Kaz Matsui, stands for redemption, after being cut by every major league team at least once.  Finally, they live in Colorado, which voted for Bush, the Goodest man in the whole wide world. Ladies and gentlemen, representing Good, the Colorado Rockies.

Now the Boston Red Sox (We here at SML have long been annoyed with teams that name themselves after defunct articles of clothing. Do they wear Red Socks? No they do not. Also, what is a Sox? Therefore SML shall refer to the Boston Red Sox as the Massachusetts White Socks, except for Curt Schilling, who will continue to be known as He of the Great Red Sock). These White Socks are awful, vicious people in the service of all that is hateful in the world:  Dishonesty, cheating, arrogance, hubris, liberalism, endless whining even in success.  The Red Sox lied about Kenny Lofton being out at second base in Game 7, when replays clearly show he was safe.  They have a World Series ring, but now that is tarnished by this clear display of cheating.  Why is it that ALL REPLAYS of Kenny Lofton's mysterious "tag-out" have been wiped from the face of the Earth? I haven't seen one in the last six or seven minutes which means that BUD SELIG IS A CRIMINAL AND DAVID ORTIZ EATS CHILDREN. The White Socks run up the deficit on opponents, "mysteriously" falling behind in the ALCS only to come back and crush their opponent's fan base. When I coach my Little League Baseball Team (The Seraphim. I get specific when I want to name my team after Angels) we make sure to always maintain a one-run lead at all times. This way nobody's FEELINGS GET HURT. The White Socks don't do this. 11-2? What kind of Christian would win by nine runs? A BAD ONE. Their coach is so full of himself he doesn't even feel the need to share any emotion with lesser beings like us, he just sits with his cheek full to the brim with chewing tobacco, and making wacky, occult signs with his hand. What do those signs mean, Coach? Are they signs of SATAN? Who's to say? (I am. They are signs of Satan).  Victory gives their fans no joy (given my Baptist upbringing, I am anti-Dancing), and defeat only leads to endless whining about curses. Don't worry Massachusetts White Socks, the real curse is on its way.

It is unwise to laugh in the face of the creator, as you do with your... with your... with your GREEN MONSTERS and your DESIGNATED HITTERS.   The team's star, Manny Ramirez, is a smirking clueless clown who messes with college girls and probably buys lottery tickets and might not go to church.  The constant smirk on his face reminds me of Adolf Hitler's mustache/Adam Smith's invisible hand/Montezuma's revenge/ENORMOUS PRIVATE YACHTS.   Manny recently commented that "it doesn't matter if the Red Sox win or lose tomorrow" before beating the ace of the Greater Ohio Area South Asians.  If it didn't matter to him, wouldn't the sporting thing have been to lose on purpose AS JESUS WOULD HAVE DONE? They are cheaters, they are liars, and I SHALL PERSONALLY SEE THAT THEY BURN IN HELL. 

Sci-Fi News of the Week

Battlestar Galactica often has plot inconsistencies. The nerve!

Obscure College Score of the Week

Michigan of Washington beat Florida of Wisconsin 116-0. I know who I'll be praying gets devoured by locusts this week!

Bonus Item

I'm not really that fond of Jews.

Thanks to SML himself for much of this post. Don't worry, he goes to church every day.