by DJM on October 29 at 11:14AM
As you might have noticed if you've been drawing breath for the past few weeks, the state of Massachusetts is undergoing something of a sporting renaissance (which is also the name of my barbershop quartet). In summary:- Their professional football team, the New England Evil Cheaters, is currently 8-0 and winning each game by absurd margins (or as Steve Mariucci describes it, "dropping a 50 burger." Steve, please stop describing things).
- Their professional basketball team, the Boston Keltics (it's a hard-C, damn you) recently acquired competent basketball players for the first time since Greg Oden watched them as a child (in the seventies?).
- Their most notable college football team, Boston College, is apparently doing rather well for themselves, although this is mere hearsay.
- Oh yeah and the Boston White Socks (as SML.com has christened them) just won the "World" Series.
- I do not know how the Boston Bruins are doing and am not interested in finding out. However, for the sake of this argument, let's say that they're 81-0 and going to win Lord Stanley's Bottomless Mug brought to you by Shakey's or whatever they're calling it these days.
There's no WAY he would lose. I know I said that in 2004 as well, but now I'm not just relying on the goodness and even BASIC awareness of the American people, but on some mystical Jedi shit as well. Massachusetts can't be stopped right now. There's something going on with the tides or the moon or something. Thetans? Something. Massachusetts is drawing energy from the rest of the world and channeling it into pure victory (see figure 1A). It's alchemy! Sorcery! Witchcraft, perhaps? It has been a long time since they lynched any witches up there. 
But look: their evil baseball team dispatched an unstoppable opponent. Their evil football team is trouncing everybody that comes their way. Their (Jesuit?) college football team achieves come-from-behind victories that make Bill Clinton's late turnaround on Paul Tsongas (WHO?) look like Reagan's victory over Mondale*. The Boston Bruins haven't played a goalie the entire year, and still remain undefeated**. The Rockies can't stop Mass, the Redskins can't stop Mass, and John Kerry's smug drone can't stop Mass.This is the time in which it would be appropriate to make a Critical Mass joke, but I'm not going to stoop to that level.
Senator Kerry, you owe it to your state, nay, your country. Run for President, sir. The time is now. Even you can't possibly lose this time.
Wait, unless your opponent is Mitt Romney. FUCK I DIDN'T THINK THIS THROUGH.
I'm Canadian DJM, and I approve this message.
*Be honest, you thought I was going somewhere else when I mentioned Clinton and come-from-behind.
**Again, this part may not be true.
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