This is part of our preview series where we'll be taking a look at some of the countries participating in the 2008 Beijing Olympics:

This is also Part 1 of a subset called Who's The Stan?

Tajikistan:
Stereotypes:
Russians in possibly fictional Eastern Europe country who talk and act like Borat. You like?

Truth:
Iranians in actual Central Asian country who talk and act like Muslims, minus the fundamentalist government, but with the requisite near-constant Civil Wars.

Recent Olympic History:
Nargus Nabieva finished 45th in the Women's Individual Archery event at the 2004 Athens Olympics.  Imagine, being able to one day tell your kids "I was at one point the 45th best amateur female archer in the entire world!"  It may not seem like much, but it's the greatest thing to ever happen in Tajikistan.  Also, Sergey Babikov finished 10th at the 10m Air Pistol.  In other news, "10m Air Pistol" is an actual Olympic event.

2008 Olympic Potential:
Their goal is to finish ahead of the nomads (damn Kazakhs!), and to not be confused with the blasted Kyrgyz again. It's always good to aim high, but maybe they should shoot a little bit lower. Best not to get hopes up.

Current Issues:

Where to Begin?  The history of the Tajik people (who make up 2/3rds of Tajikistan, with Uzbeks accounting for 1/4th of the population) dates back to Persia.  They migrated over from Persia (Iran) many years ago, speak a dialect of Persian (Farzi), and are mostly Sunni Muslims.  Yet to most people they are choice (B) answer to the multiple choice question "What country is the fictional character Borat from?", sandwiched between choice (a) Azerbaistan and the correct choice, Kazakhstan. Also, Azerbaistan isn't a real country. You can't just slap the suffix "Stan" onto anything, OK?

Where Is The Ov?  The landlocked country was mired in a civil war between 1992 until a cease-fire in 1997.  One side was backed by Iran, and one side by Russia.  Those two countries are friends now, hooray!  It's a good thing that Putin's soul is so pure, otherwise that might be a major fucking foreign policy fiasco, so WHEW we dodged that bullet.  Though the Tajiks do maintain decent relations with Russia, the President does play on anti-Russian sentiment quite a bit.  Most recently he announced earlier this year that he was changing his name from Emomali Rakhmonov to Emomali Rakmon, dropping the "ov"-ending because it's "too Russian".  I can't get no love for the ov!  Um, except from the rest of his key staff:
Prime minister Oqilov
Foreign minister Zaripov
Interior minister Solekhov,
Finance minister Najmuddinov
Minister of Education Ov "Ovy" Ovovitch Ovanov

It's Gonna Take A Six Nation Army To Hold Me Back:  Tajikistan has recently agreed to have its military participate in the Shanghai Cooperation Organization (SCO), a would-be challenger to NATO that currently consists of Russia, China and four Central Asian states.  The six-nation force recently did some military drills in Pashino, Russia.  However, they still have to compete in the Olympics as one nation, so they're not going to win. Anything.

Cutting The Red Tape Only To Reveal... More Red Tape:  Tajikistan is a country with lots of beautiful natural landmarks.  The mountains and lakes are very inviting, but the country itself is not.  It requires an ungodly amount of red tape to do any tourism in Tajikistan:

"...the tourism operator ticked off the daunting requirements for foreign visitors: a letter of invitation; a visa; a trekking license; a high-altitude permit; and an ecological tax document."

"Then there are the separate permits required for visits to specific regions: one for the Pamir mountains, one for each of the lakes in the border regions, and one KGB-stamped document for anyone wishing to even skirt the border with China. Visa-holding tourists need to register with both the ministry of foreign affairs and the ministry of internal affairs, and must check in at each location they visit with the local MIA office."

"Finally, those wishing to visit the Badakhstan autonomous region must register with local authorities in every district, a process that inevitably requires the handing over of a small sum"

"The high-altitude tax is a classic example of bureaucracy gone too far. Mountaineers are required to pay $50 each day for going above 3,000 meters, and $100 to go above 6,000 meters. Cars carrying tourists atop 3,000-meter passes are routinely stopped and asked for these permits; if they cannot show them, they must pay the money on the spot."

If anybody at all wanted to go to Tajikistan for tourism, this would be a huge hassle. As it is, it's just something funny to consider once you're done laughing at the Mississippi Tourism website.

My Super Secret Sweet Sixteenth Wife:  But the biggest problem facing Tajikistan right now?  The president of Tajikistan recently outlawed lavish wedding parties that were making poor people go crazy broke.  I guess this is better than outlawing political parties.  Oh, wait... they do that, too.  Shoot.

I guess this is the reason why wedding receptions are taking place in parking lots now:

Pop Culture:

You can listen to the rhythmic beats of Kibriyo Rajabova, who Tajik pop singer who was named in October 2005 as "Honored Worker of Tajikistan", here.

Screw that.  Here's what hip hop from Tajikistan sounds like:

This comes from CD someone brought back to me from the area.  Wait until the 0:40 mark for the flava.  Also, check out the 3:30 mark, where it becomes abundantly clear that rhyming on beat is optional in Tajik hip-hop.

Someone needs to sign him to a record deal!  Hip-hop is apparently popular in Tajikistan.  Peep how these videos have the G-Unit tag (for reasons unknown).  I'm beginning to wonder if "Gunit" means something in Farzi/Tajik besides "I'm boys with 50 Cent".

Oh, and check out this short 90 second clip of headz from the Tajik Projects:

It's also worth noting that Tajikistan is one of the few countries in the world without a McDonald's fast food restaurant.  This is completely unlike Morocco, which has a spectacular McDonald's in every major city, and often doubles as one of the most upscale places to eat.  I have the pictures to prove it.

Conclusion:

With music like that, no political freedom, no fast food, and no foreign visitors, there should be nothing to distract their Olympians from achieving the very best.  Therefore, SML predicts that they will finish no lower than 44^th this year in Women's Individual Archery.  God bless Tajikistan.

And God bless DJM for once again contributing to this post.  The rest of the Olympic Previews so far:
Belgium
Former Yugoslavian Republic of Macedonia

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