This is part of our preview series where we'll be taking a look at some of the countries participating in the 2008 Beijing Olympics:


BELGIUM:

This looks like Chad

Stereotypes:

Waffle-eating surrender monkeys who can and will give you a five hour lecture on the difference between fake and real monastery-made beers.  Also: like to announce everything in French and Dutch, but not English.

Truth:

Waffles are awfully passé. Breakfast treat of choice: apple pannekoeken. The Dutch may speak a damn funny language, but they make some delicious pancakes.

Recent Olympic History: 

Belgium sent 51 participants to the 2004 games (31 M, 20 W), and came back with one gold medal and two bronze medals. 

The Gold medal was won by Justine Henin, arguably Belgium's most famous and successful athlete right now.

Actually, it's not that arguable. Name another Belgian athlete.

(pause)

You either came up with "Uh... is Kim Clijsters Belgian?" or "Nobody." So Henin it is.

One bronze medal was won in cycling by Axel Merckx, son of Belgium's most celebrated athlete, Eddy Merckx, a championed cyclist.  Axel is also, coincidentally, the third-place finisher in the "Most Famous People Named Axel" contest, behind "Axl Rose" and "Axel F.", tied with "everyone else named Axel".

Ilse Heylen won the bronze medal in Judo. 

2008 Olympic Potential:

This is it for Belgium

Current Issues

Belgium's political situation is so splintered it actually seems very possible that the country will not exist come the 2012 Olympics.  After the general elections in June resulted in a failure to form a coalition that both sides could agree on, the country went government-less for over 100 days.  To be honest, no one really noticed or cared.  Beer is so damn cheap there you wouldn't care either.

The Economist recently had an article that bluntly asked "If Belgium Is Still Necessary?" (58% of respondents said "No!" and the other 42% said "Belgium? That's still around?"), and pretty much speculated that a "divorce" might be in order. Well, why not? It's Thursday, and no European countries have split yet. Quit slacking Europe! Either Belgium goes or Scotland needs to start fighting for independence again. This "European Peace" thing is bullshit. It's just not normal.

Anyway, the northern Flemish region (Flanders) accounts for 58% of the population; it is Dutch-speaking, and votes for Dutch-speaking parties ("Ga België! Het Nederlands is best! Het Frans is uitwerpsel!").  The Southern region (Wallonia) is French-speaking and French-party voting, and accounts for 32% of the population ("Disparaissent La Belgique ! Le Français est le meilleur ! Le Néerlandais est excrément !").   Hence the Mexican Belgium stand-off.

The Brussels region accounts for the last 10% of the population, and is probably the only reason this country hasn't split already. The Flemish have historically dominated Brussels, but years of trying to integrate Wallonia into the capital have split the capital ethnically.  But please don't tell the US Government.  Ethnically split foreign capitals are like catnip to them.  

The far-right nationalist Flemish party (Vlaams Belang) wants independence for Flanders ("Hi-Diddly-Ho, France-a-rino!").  

Belgium has pretty much operated with two separate governments for a long time now, with different languages and regulations.

Pop Culture

A Belgian named Peyo gave us The Schtroumpfs, known as the Pitufos in Spanish, the Puffi in Italian, and The Smurfs in English.  This racist, fascist and Communist cartoon brainwashes millions of kids around the world every day.

Smurfing the tools of capitalism...

Two Unlimited (Get Ready For This!) and Technotronic (Pump Up The Jam!) insure that even if Belgium doesn't participate in too many more Olympic events, it'll always have a gold medal in the world of Jock Jams.

But you probably didn't even know they were Belgian. Belgium's so overlooked, even when it does something right somebody else gets credit for it.  "French Fries"?  Please.

Conclusion:

Will Belgium win in 2008?  No.  Pancakes, beer, fried food, and political strife don't usually add up to victory. Which might also explain why the Chicago Cubs never win anything either.

Note:  This has been the first in a series (hopefully), and includes a heavy contribution from DJM.  In fact, if you laughed at any of the jokes, it's written by DJM... it's good to have him back, fresh off his very successful stint acting on Broadway.


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5 Comments

Comments

[October 11, 2007 11:49 AM]  |  link  |  reply
Jack Cobra said

I was actually supposed to go to Belgium for an World Baseball Tournament when I was 14....luckily I was moved up to the college division and went to the Bahamas instead. Still, all the research I did on Belgium told me that I would have no idea what they were talking about.

[October 12, 2007 4:24 PM]  |  link  |  reply
Ricky - Sixers4guidos said

love this post SML, can't wait to see Italy or Serbia and Croatia pictured

BTW I think Belgium is a pretty useless country, LOL

[October 15, 2007 2:42 PM]  |  link  |  reply
Canadian DJM said

Come now. It was acting on Seventh Avenue.

[September 2, 2008 4:02 AM]  |  link  |  reply
Hawt ^^ said

:P i have to do a project on belgium, im like...

OMG why couldnt i have gotten jamaica,

quick timing simple info O_O

wen i look at medal tallies i go...

the most useless country in the world! =] E@5i!

[July 25, 2010 11:49 PM]  |  link  |  reply
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