This is part of
our preview series where we'll be taking a look at some of the countries
participating in the 2008 Beijing Olympics:
BELGIUM:
Stereotypes:
Waffle-eating surrender monkeys who
can and will give you a five hour lecture on the difference between fake and
real monastery-made beers. Also: like to announce everything in French and
Dutch, but not English.
Truth:
Waffles are awfully passé. Breakfast treat of choice: apple pannekoeken. The Dutch may speak a damn funny language, but they make some delicious pancakes.
Recent Olympic
History:
Belgium sent 51
participants to the 2004 games (31 M, 20 W), and came back with one gold medal
and two bronze medals.
The Gold medal was won by Justine
Henin, arguably Belgium's most famous and successful
athlete right now.
Actually, it's not that arguable. Name another Belgian athlete.
(pause)
You either came up with "Uh... is Kim Clijsters Belgian?" or "Nobody." So Henin it is.
One bronze medal was won in cycling
by Axel Merckx, son of Belgium's most celebrated athlete,
Eddy Merckx, a championed cyclist. Axel is also, coincidentally, the
third-place finisher in the "Most Famous People Named Axel" contest, behind "Axl
Rose" and "Axel F.", tied with "everyone else named
Axel".
Ilse Heylen won the bronze medal in
Judo.
2008 Olympic
Potential:
Current
Issues:
Belgium's
political situation is so splintered it actually seems very possible that the
country will not exist come the 2012 Olympics. After the general elections in
June resulted in a failure to form a coalition that both sides could agree on,
the country went government-less for over 100 days. To be honest, no one really
noticed or cared. Beer is so damn cheap there you wouldn't care either.
The Economist recently had an article that bluntly asked "If Belgium Is Still Necessary?" (58% of respondents said "No!" and the other 42% said "Belgium? That's still around?"), and pretty much speculated that a "divorce" might be in order. Well, why not? It's Thursday, and no European countries have split yet. Quit slacking Europe! Either Belgium goes or Scotland needs to start fighting for independence again. This "European Peace" thing is bullshit. It's just not normal.
Anyway, the northern Flemish region (Flanders) accounts for 58% of the population; it is Dutch-speaking, and votes for Dutch-speaking parties ("Ga België! Het Nederlands is best! Het Frans is uitwerpsel!"). The Southern region (Wallonia) is French-speaking and French-party voting, and accounts for 32% of the population ("Disparaissent La Belgique ! Le Français est le meilleur ! Le Néerlandais est excrément !"). Hence the Mexican Belgium stand-off.
The Brussels region accounts for the last 10% of
the population, and is probably the only reason this country hasn't split
already. The Flemish have historically dominated Brussels, but years of trying to integrate Wallonia into the capital have split the capital
ethnically. But please don't tell the US Government. Ethnically split foreign capitals are like catnip to them.
The far-right nationalist Flemish party (Vlaams Belang) wants independence for Flanders ("Hi-Diddly-Ho, France-a-rino!").
Belgium has pretty
much operated with two separate governments for a long time now, with different
languages and regulations.
Pop
Culture:
A Belgian named Peyo gave us
The Schtroumpfs, known as the Pitufos in Spanish, the Puffi in Italian, and The
Smurfs in English. This racist, fascist and Communist cartoon brainwashes
millions of kids around the world every day.
Two Unlimited (Get Ready For This!) and
Technotronic (Pump Up The Jam!) insure that even if Belgium doesn't
participate in too many more Olympic events, it'll always have a gold medal in the world of Jock Jams.
But you probably didn't even know they were Belgian. Belgium's so overlooked, even when it does something right somebody else gets credit for it. "French Fries"? Please.
Conclusion: Will Belgium win in 2008? No. Pancakes, beer, fried food, and political strife don't usually add up to victory. Which might also explain why the Chicago Cubs never win anything either.
Note: This has been the first in a series (hopefully), and includes a heavy contribution from DJM. In fact, if you laughed at any of the jokes, it's written by DJM... it's good to have him back, fresh off his very successful stint acting on Broadway.
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3 Comments
Comments
I was actually supposed to go to Belgium for an World Baseball Tournament when I was 14....luckily I was moved up to the college division and went to the Bahamas instead. Still, all the research I did on Belgium told me that I would have no idea what they were talking about.