On Sunday night I caught most of the MTV Video Music Awards, on replay, after Sunday Night Football ended on NBC.  To be honest, I didn't even know it was on that night - my stepmom, of all people, told us it was on.  She wanted help on how to Tivo it since she was going out for dinner.  Here are some thoughts on the VMAs, which switch up it's style completely, choosing to go hostless and instead of having live performances on stage, MTV set it up with various artists performing in suites throughout the hotel, with fans going in and out of the rooms, etc.  Here are my thoughts while watching the VMAs (and I apologize for back to back posts that have little to do with sports):

-Britney Spears leads off, bombs badly.  She really does look like, to quote TMZ, "a circus pony shot up with horse tranquilizers".  That's kinda mean-spirited and snarky, but it is also completely accurate.  Read this Gawker post if you want a more vicious analysis, plus the video clip.

-The VMAs are going thru some sort of identity crisis, yo.  Seriously, the first award is "Monster Single of the Year".  What?  I guess that's a better name then "Songs on the playlist in every club in every city in the world", including Lebanon, Morocco, etc.  Nothing better than traveling overseas and hearing Punjabi MC and Jay-Z.

Surprisingly, Wyclef featuring Shakira for "Hips Don't Lie" isn't one of the nominees.  Is it too old?  So the winner is, by default, Rihanna and Jay-Z for "Umbrella".  

-Kanye West is performing live from the 3-D glasses suite at the Palms.  Combined with his tux, he looks like Fab Five Freddy in Blondie's "The Rapture":

-Here's Jennifer Hudson and Robin Thicke presenting the award for... you got to be kidding me... "Quadruple Threat" of the year.

Which is more of a stretch - Beyonce for actor and "clothing line", or Bono for "social activist"  (fair enough) followed immediately for Kanye for "social activist"?  Whatever, Justin Timberlake wins for being the 4-way threat of singer, dancer, and um, Christmas Gift entrepreneur?

SML:  What's up with Thicke's Canadian mustache?  Sh*t is looking wispy.

GF:  I think he's trying to grow a Hitler mustache.

-Ah, next up is Kanye West and 50 Cent face to face showdown, while presenting the VMA for "Most Earthshattering Collaboration" (seriously, wtf?). 

They have a little head to head billboard battle that starts today, with both releasing albums today.  Winner sells more.

We thought Gwen Stefani featuring Akon should win, for the "Sweet Escape", but nope...the winner is Beyonce and Shakira.  

GF:  "They should rename it the "Most Hip-Shaking Collaboration".

True dat.

-Beyonce then picks up the award wearing Queen Latifah's dress.  Seriously.  She's hiding a little extra weight behind that thing... she looks pregnant:

-Shhh.  Hear that?  Is that Stevie Wonder?  Nah, it's Maroon 5.  What's the deal with that, anyway?  Instead of getting Stevie into the studio, and having him work with some producers, it's better to market a younger, whiter version of his sound?  I guess that Stevie isn't making music like his old stuff anymore, so groups like Jamiroquai and Maroon 5 are keeping his legacy alive.  

-Rosario Dawson introduces a fantastic dance performance by Chris Brown.  Check it out here:

GF: Is he doing the N' Sync puppet thing?

SML:  He's rocking the Charlie Chaplin look.

GF:  Another Hitler mustache!

SML:  Hitler mustaches are the new hotness this year.  Maybe next year's style will be gold chains with 

swastikas?

GF:  Do not write that in your blog.  By the way, you know who I blame for this?  Ja Rule.

SML:  Word, he was the first to try to bring the Hitler mustache back.

 

Those jokes are mad inappropriate - I apologize.  The dance performance by Chris Brown is sick, as he does his best to channel Michael Jackson.

SML: This is positively Usher-esqe.  Where is Usher?

GF:  He's out impregnating girls.

SML:  Is that what happened to Beyonce?

GF:  Why Chris Brown is on stage tonight?  Shouldn't they get Usher for the wannabe MJ stuff?

SML: They couldn't get Usher, so MTV called the temp agency and they sent Chris Brown instead....

GF: Sort of like sending Omar Epps instead of Wesley Snipes...

Or like sending Adam Goldberg instead of Jonathan Silverman.  I had a conversation with Superstar about this yesterday.  She saw that new movie "2 Days in Paris" recently:

Star:  It stars Adam Goldberg.  He always reminds me of Jonathan Silverman, from...

SML: Weekend at Bernie's!

Star:  Right.  What has Goldberg been in, anyway?

SML:  Last time I saw him it was in "The Saltan Sea" with Val Kilmer.  I thought it Jonathan Silverman.

Star: What's Silverman up to?

SML:  He's constantly in touch with Andrew McCarthy, wondering if now is the time to pitch the idea of "Weekend At Bernie's 3"...

Star:  I would see it.

SML: Hell yeah... I saw Weekend At Bernie's 2... in the theatres.

Star: Me, too!

Nostalgia.  It keeps scrubby old actors paid.

-Back to the VMAs.  Chumbawumba just got a mention by Seth Rogan. What is this, 1999?  

 

-Three female stars of The Hills (beats me who the f*ck they are) just gave the award for "Male Artist of the Year" to Justin Timberlake, who beat out Thicke, Akon, T.I., and Kanye West.  He response is a quick speech calling himself "old", congratulating the "new generation of artists" (when the hell did he turn 30, and didn't he just beat Kanye and Thicke, both older than him?), and imploring MTV to "Play more videos.  We don't want to see The Simpsons on reality TV".  

I didn't realize he was talking about Jessica and Ashlee Simpson at first.  When was the last time they had a reality show of any significance anyway?  If you are going to be "social activist", Justin, at least man up and call out the The Hills girls behind you, tough guy....

-Cue the Foo Fighters doing their piss poor cover of Prince's "Darling Nikki", the reason some people believe Prince went on the Super Bowl Halftime show and did an amazing performance of one of their songs.

-Shia LaBeouf just revealed the official title of the next Indiana Jones movie.  The crowd seemed unappreciative:

GF:  Is the crowd even old enough to know who Indiana Jones is?  

-Cue a live performance from Lincoln Park.  It really is 1999, isn't it?

-Oh man... System of a Down... wow.  Um, are the New Radicals up next?

-Speaking of old songs... Gym Class Heroes is performing their remake of the Jermaine Stewart classic "We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off".  It reminds me a lot of when I heard the No Doubt remake of Talk Talk's "My Life" that came out a few years back.  Gym Class Heroes remake won this year's VMA for "Best Song That's Clandestinely About Abstinence", just beating out "U and Ur Hand" by Pink.

-Finally, after watching this clip of Dr. Dre, tell me he isn't on the juice.

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