It's
August, which means that (FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY) it's time for some actual
sports to start again. Yes, it's the return of the NFL, which heralds the
return of the NBA, which means that soon I'll be able to turn on the television
without seeing fat guys standing around or cars turning left for six hours. Plus,
even though I'm not sure I'm hardcore enough to get up at 7:00AM on Saturday
mornings to get down the pub for some EPL and Guinness, I count soccer that's
played with some modicum of skill as a real sport. Baseball
sucks. Come on. There's no way you disagree with me on this, right? Baseball is
boredom made manifest. People slam soccer because "nothing happens" during a
game, but that's wildly false. There's ALWAYS something going on during a
soccer game, plus (bonus!) no commercials. Baseball consists primarily of
standing around. Baseball is thirty seconds of watching one guy stare directly
into the crotch of another guy crouching in front of him, followed by usually
less than one second of activity as the ball changes places. The most exciting
event in a baseball game is when one guy hits the ball so far that he can jog
in a diamond without being chased. In summary: baseball sucks.
What are
the arguments against this? Its storied history? Of what, racism, and rampant
drug use? Its hallowed tradition? Of what, spending three plus hours to watch
overweight guys play catch? Its strategic greatness? Yeah, that's what I want to do: watch
managers saunter out to the mound to change pitchers to get the lefty against the
guy who bats .192 agaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaOH SORRY I passed out there for a
second.
Plus, the
BEST offense we can POSSIBLY hope for is somebody who succeeds 40% of the time.
Seriously, it's almost ridiculous to imagine someone today batting .400, right? Joey Harrington has a 55% career completion percentage, and he *blows*. In
baseball, he'd be elected to the Hall of Fame *today*.
I really
think that most people (albeit secretly) agree that baseball is aggressively
boring and greatly irrelevant, but one fact holds them back from admitting it:
THERE'S NOTHING ELSE ON IN THE SUMMER. It's entirely inertia and the luck of
scheduling that keep baseball in the conversation at all. This is why we need
MLS to gain a foothold, or we need a new sport.
Or if they
want to make the sport relevant, here's a suggestion. This might actually get
me interested in baseball: contract, say, 12 teams; shorten the season to a
reasonable length (let's keep the games in the double digits, OK, guys?); take
out the bushleague DH rule; and get a countdown clock on the pitches. And make
it snappy, too. If the pitcher doesn't throw the next pitch within eight
seconds of getting the ball, the batter gets the base.
Until then,
I'll be spending my summer months pining for September. It's almost here.
Finally.
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7 Comments
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As someone who watches baseball quite a bit, and played it a bit back in the day... it kinda sucks. If you don't think so, watch some cricket (the English sport baseball derived from), and watch how quickly you fall asleep or lose interest.
But breaking on baseball also sucks, too. It's been done a bunch of times. Like breaking on hockey, and soccer. Now, you want to do something original? Break on watching TV! That's something that's very original....
Watching TV? Why, watching TV is the greatest thing ever! Who could possibly say anything bad about that!?
So you're saying that making fun of something that sucks ITSELF sucks? That's so meta I think my mind just YUP there it is. Aneurysm.
DJM, okay while the post was definitely entertaining, baseball hater always miss the point. In say basketball and football (after the pre-game BBQ), its about the event entertaining you. Baseball is about sports blended in with a picnic. Half the entertainment is the game and the other half is the company you came with. Ample time in between pitches to share views on the DH, Willie or Mickey, or cooking recipes if that floats your boat. Focus back on a couple of pitches and then some more talking, hot dogs, and beer.... on TV you may have a point though...
The NFL is basically fat guys standing around. Over a 3-1/2 hour game, there are less than 10 minutes of actual game action. For the great majority of the time, fat linemen are standing around or crouching. I don't have a defense of baseball. Some find it extremely boring, but as far as time spent doing nothing, the NFL takes the cake.
Baseball does not suck.