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It's August, which means that (FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY) it's time for some actual sports to start again. Yes, it's the return of the NFL, which heralds the return of the NBA, which means that soon I'll be able to turn on the television without seeing fat guys standing around or cars turning left for six hours. Plus, even though I'm not sure I'm hardcore enough to get up at 7:00AM on Saturday mornings to get down the pub for some EPL and Guinness, I count soccer that's played with some modicum of skill as a real sport.

And finally, it means that sweetest time of year: when baseball goes away for another six months. Fuckin* finally.
 

Baseball sucks. Come on. There's no way you disagree with me on this, right? Baseball is boredom made manifest. People slam soccer because "nothing happens" during a game, but that's wildly false. There's ALWAYS something going on during a soccer game, plus (bonus!) no commercials. Baseball consists primarily of standing around. Baseball is thirty seconds of watching one guy stare directly into the crotch of another guy crouching in front of him, followed by usually less than one second of activity as the ball changes places. The most exciting event in a baseball game is when one guy hits the ball so far that he can jog in a diamond without being chased. In summary: baseball sucks. 

Wells

What are the arguments against this? Its storied history? Of what, racism, and rampant drug use? Its hallowed tradition? Of what, spending three plus hours to watch overweight guys play catch? Its strategic greatness? Yeah, that's what I want to do: watch managers saunter out to the mound to change pitchers to get the lefty against the guy who bats .192 agaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaOH SORRY I passed out there for a second.

 


Plus, the BEST offense we can POSSIBLY hope for is somebody who succeeds 40% of the time. Seriously, it's almost ridiculous to imagine someone today batting .400, right? Joey Harrington has a 55% career completion percentage, and he *blows*. In baseball, he'd be elected to the Hall of Fame *today*.

 

Quidditch

I really think that most people (albeit secretly) agree that baseball is aggressively boring and greatly irrelevant, but one fact holds them back from admitting it: THERE'S NOTHING ELSE ON IN THE SUMMER. It's entirely inertia and the luck of scheduling that keep baseball in the conversation at all. This is why we need MLS to gain a foothold, or we need a new sport. Rugby. Lacrosse. Hell, let's get some Quidditch up in here.

 
Or if they want to make the sport relevant, here's a suggestion. This might actually get me interested in baseball: contract, say, 12 teams; shorten the season to a reasonable length (let's keep the games in the double digits, OK, guys?); take out the bushleague DH rule; and get a countdown clock on the pitches. And make it snappy, too. If the pitcher doesn't throw the next pitch within eight seconds of getting the ball, the batter gets the base.

 
Until then, I'll be spending my summer months pining for September. It's almost here. Finally.




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10 Comments

Comments

[August 13, 2007 2:24 PM]  |  link  |  reply
Rickhouse said

Baseball does not suck.

[August 13, 2007 2:35 PM]  |  link  |  reply
Canadian DJM said

I find myself unswayed by your argument.

[August 13, 2007 2:39 PM]  |  link  |  reply
stopmikelupica said

As someone who watches baseball quite a bit, and played it a bit back in the day... it kinda sucks. If you don't think so, watch some cricket (the English sport baseball derived from), and watch how quickly you fall asleep or lose interest.

But breaking on baseball also sucks, too. It's been done a bunch of times. Like breaking on hockey, and soccer. Now, you want to do something original? Break on watching TV! That's something that's very original....

[August 13, 2007 2:53 PM]  |  link  |  reply
Canadian DJM said

Watching TV? Why, watching TV is the greatest thing ever! Who could possibly say anything bad about that!?

So you're saying that making fun of something that sucks ITSELF sucks? That's so meta I think my mind just YUP there it is. Aneurysm.

[August 13, 2007 4:42 PM]  |  link  |  reply
MODI said

DJM, okay while the post was definitely entertaining, baseball hater always miss the point. In say basketball and football (after the pre-game BBQ), its about the event entertaining you. Baseball is about sports blended in with a picnic. Half the entertainment is the game and the other half is the company you came with. Ample time in between pitches to share views on the DH, Willie or Mickey, or cooking recipes if that floats your boat. Focus back on a couple of pitches and then some more talking, hot dogs, and beer.... on TV you may have a point though...

[August 13, 2007 4:55 PM]  |  link  |  reply
Lupica is a Midget said

The NFL is basically fat guys standing around. Over a 3-1/2 hour game, there are less than 10 minutes of actual game action. For the great majority of the time, fat linemen are standing around or crouching. I don't have a defense of baseball. Some find it extremely boring, but as far as time spent doing nothing, the NFL takes the cake.

[June 1, 2008 2:00 PM]  |  link  |  reply
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