Yeah, let me tell you why you're a pussy. I'm in my fantasy baseball playoffs this week - yeah, you think that's lame? Fuck you, your last name is a girl's name. Anyway, yesterday afternoon, you come up to bat in the 9th inning, with your Cubs down a run. One measly run. The two hitters ahead of you both got singles, so it's runners at first and second with no outs. What should you do, Moneyball?
Time's up. Answer: Bunt. But you're too much of a man to bunt, right? You had to be a big shot, right? You had to be a big shot, didn't cha? All your swings were to try to knock it out. You had to have the last hit, last night. You know what everything's about. You had to have a white hot spotlight, you had to be a big shot last night.
Mr. 9th hitter in the lineup. F*ck Lou Pinella. He should have made you bunt. Or pinch hit for you with Carlos Zambrano. Anyway, why do I care what you do in your at-bat? Because I was holding on to a one-strikeout lead in that fantasy category, okay? And guess who the other guy's closers are? JJ Putz and Jose Valverde. The same Jose Valverde now staring you down, with the count full 3-2. You know what else? We're also tied in saves, so I don't need this fool getting a save. All you fucking Cubs have to do to tie the game is lay down two bunts.
You know what else? A bunt makes the pitcher play defense. Did you see what happened when the Detroit Tigers pitchers had to play some defense? That's called putting pressure on them to make a play. A pitcher like Jose Valverde fielding two bunts in a row? That dudes' arm will probably fall off if he had to. True fact: Jose Valverde has no shoulder.
So what does Mr. Contact do? What does Mr. I Lead the League in Least K's per At-bat ratio in 2002 and 2005 do? What does Mr. Even My Wikipedia entry says I rarely strike out do? He strikes out, of course. Badly!
Fuck you Mr. Gritty. I read that you have two daughters named Kuyper and Karoline. How very appropriate that their names start with K's. I bet their middle names start with K, too, right, you racist shithead? Well, from now on I'll kall you Kason Kendall.
If Barnesgasm still wrote for this site, I would ask him to come up with the appropriate punishment for you. Only a sick mo-fo like him could properly serve you justice. I have no idea what he would come up with, but I would bet it would involve a dildo. And not just any dildo... a stone dildo. With stone balls.
Kason Kendall, I'm fostering all the bad karma I can muster (it's fearsome) onto you and the Cubs for the rest of this season. Go Cards. Seriously, did you know an anagram of "Cubs" is "scrub"? Makes sense, right? Here is the gruesome footage of you dislocating your ankle as you hit first base. It's so grotesque I couldn't watch it when it first happened in 1999 (especially considering my sensitivity to ankle injuries). But now watching it gives makes me some joy.
This video has been viewed 159,110 times. Those last ten views? All mine. As will probably be the next ten. In conclusion, I hope your girlfriend/wife goes on some Lily Allen/Blu Cantrell shit on you, you fucking no-bunt pussy.
Editor's Update: Well, after all is said and done, something amazing took place. Valverde did not strike anyone else out; our boy Ian Kinsler not only had three more runs than Carlos Beltran (which allowed us to overcome a 42-40 run deficit), but he kept Putz out of the game, allowing us to keep the K's category tied. That, combined with the sudden switch in runs, allowed us to pull off the win. Wow. Ian Kinsler is the anti-Kendall.
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From Syphillus to Sisyphus. Well done.
Um...I hate to ruin this rant but he did try to bunt....twice:
That brought Jason Kendall to the plate. Manager Lou Piniella's original plan was to have Kendall lay the bunt down, but he fouled two of them off before running the count full.
"There was one pitch that was good [to bunt], but the other one was a little high," Kendall said.
With the full count, Piniella elected to put the runners in motion on the next two pitches, but Kendall fouled off Valverde's offerings each time.
"He handles the bat as well as anyone we've got," said Piniella. "We had some speed on the bases, so we took a chance."
Piniella sent the runners a third straight time, but on this pitch Kendall swung and missed at what looked like ball four, and Fontenot was gunned down at third. Two out.
"The bottom line is I should have got the bunt down," Kendall said. "I didn't do my job."
I enjoyed this read. Personally, i thought you were kind of light on Kendall. You could have wished his girlfriend/wife went Alanis Morisette on his ass...
you know what dude fuck you! Thats my cousin you are talking about.
Have you ever played a day of professional baseball before?
The pitchers job is to strike the batter out, if they dont they arent doing their job. Everyone strikes out at some point. If you were to do some research you couldnt find a player that has never struck out.
it doesnt matter if he is Mr. 9th batter, at least he is in the line up.
It doesnt matter that he was the leader of strikeouts in 2002 0r 2005, he isnt now.
So next time you try to rub your two brain cells together and bash Jason Kendall remember this, you couldnt even play half as well as he does.
(Yes, "Melissa" is a girl's name... BECAUSE I AM A GIRL!)
I could tell off of the bat that you were a Cubs fan. Only Cubs fans could be such assholes.
I was just searching for info on my FAVORITE baseball player, Jason Kendall... I didn't mean to stumble upon someone's blaming Kendall for the Cubs choking, which they've been doing for years anyway!
"Mr. 9th batter" has hit a few times this season in the lead off spot. He hit his 2,000th hit a few months back. Came back from one of the craziest injuries in sports history to help take the Brewers into the post season for the 1st time in 26 years. He's my favorite player!
Alright let me figure this out:
Jason Kendall is one of those dicks who doesn't use batting gloves, so you're going to work that in. You're probably going to cover his bat in habanero pepper sauce - the spiciest shit on the planet - which will cause his hands to feel like they're on fire.
Now, whenever he touches another part of his body with his hands, that part of the body will also feel like it's on fire. Give him a day. Within an hour, he'll just be laying naked on the floor scratching and itching at every part of his body, but that only spreads the burning sensation.
Now you're going to want to take a coat hanger and put that shit on an oven and let it sit there for like an hour and then you're gonna wanna take it and stick it in his ass real slow like "pshhhhhh".
Then it's stone dildo time.
Then I'd probably make him run a fantasy baseball team in which he was the only player at every postion for eternity, which would be doubly frustrating, because then he'd just want to play baseball better, and he'd just keep trying harder, but as hard as he tried, he probably wouldn't be able to hit better than .250 with 3 homers. It's like that Greek dude trying to push a rock to the top of a hill, and when he gets it there, it just rolls back down again.