Sorry if I'm not pumping out actual, newsworty, insightful things like you usually get around SML's joint. Keep checking back, I'm sure he also recruited, you know, smart people.
So obviously, the best way to find out how your teams rookies will fit and what they're like as players, and how your team will do next year, is to read the ESPN.com SportsNation draft night chat. Take 30 tired, excited college kids waiting to call their familites, who still haven't signed contracts or endorsement deals, have them sit down with a nerdy guy called "Buzzmaster", and give them softball poorly spelled questions by people from different places, and you get this chat. Answers to questions include "strawberry flavor", "no, I like Milwaukee" and "we'll see". Sh*t like that. The type of sh*t that makes it obvious why nobody likes espn.com. Non-committal, the fanbase is great I love the coach and arena and city and style of play name one player on the team to prove to the fans I know about them winning contributing this is a great opportunity I hope to bring a lot to the team, boring, sh*t.
But our boy Wilson knows how to spice shit up. And I quote...
Look closely at the last thing he said.
"I wish the best for everyone. DePaul, Coach. I'll try to make everyone hard. "
Wilson Chandler will try to make you hard.
So Wilson's trying to bring a little Woodrow to the Knicks, if you catch my drift. First we have Spike saying "I like dick," now this.
Wilson seems like a good worker who's going to try to contribute to the team in any way he can. But seriously, this is a great pickup for the Knicks. It couldn't come at a better time. With new revelations about Isiah and Anucha coming out, Steph supposedly having sex with a Knicks employee, and Zach Randolph's love for the strippers, the exact thing the Knicks need is a guy ready to come in and sexually stimulate the other players. Maybe next time instead of taking out their frustrated sexual needs, on, like, attractive women that will sue them, they can just try to get freaky with Wilson
(Wilson Chandler is wearing a low-cut tank top with short shorts, showing cleavage, as much leg as you could want, and just a little coinslot action in the back. And no, he's not wearing a bra. His cherry-red lipstick is smeared slightly above his upper lip, but it doesn't make him any less, well, stunning. Everyone is pretending to put things in their lockers, but really they're watching him.)
(Oh, and before you read this skit, remember that every character has a whopping erection. Except for Malik Rose, who has no human genatalia, rather, he produces asexually by way of sporing.)
Jared Jeffries: Hey, Jamal, look, it's the new girl! Wow, she's gorgeous!
Jamal Crawford: That's the new girl?
Malik Rose: She's not my type.
Jared: How can you say that? I'm gonna go ask her out later. I haven't been this excited since I grew pubes.
Jamal: I thought we drafted a versatile small forward from DePaul.
Jared: Ohh...
Jamal: Like, does he play basketball? Is anybody listening to me?
Jared: Hold on, she's about to walk past. (he walks past. All the guys stare at his ass as he walks past. Of course, it's just like they expected.) Oh, dude, freshman year is going to be sweet.
(later. Eddy Curry is making a move I hope you're still picturing everybody with giant erection, by the way.)
Eddy: So, you're Wilson? I'm Eddy.
Wilson: Oh, Eddy. What a cute name. (Eddy cringes in hiding his prepubescent erection)
Eddy: Yeah. So what type of music do you like? I play guitar, by the way. You know, guitar/bass.
Jared: HEY EDDY! HOW'S YOUR GIRLFRIEND! OH, I DIDN'T SEE WILSON THERE. HI, WILSON.
Eddy: Never mind them. They're just trying to... you know, yeah. Guitar/bass.
Wilson: Oh, that's cool. I think you dropped a pencil. Here, let me pick it up. (he bends over. Everyone is just watching at this point.) Are you hungry? I brought this banana.
Eddy: Nah, I gotta, you know, go to the bathroom. (runs away awkwardly. Wilson starts to eat the banana. Jerome James takes it from him and swallows it whole. The same thing happens with a lollipop, cucumber, penis, candy cane, and with a bottle of whipped cream)
Jerome: YOU LOOK TASTY.
Wilson: Thanks. You probably should put on a pair of pants.
Jerome: MOUTH HUNGRY AND PENIS HUNGRY. ME SAD.
Wilson: I'm going to go now. (he turns to leave, but Quintin Richardson is standing there trying to look suave. He's wearing a bomber jacket and sunglasses, and has his hair looking like James Dean.
Quintin Richardson: Hey, babe. I'm varsity.
Wilson: Oh, that's nice, but I'm trying to leave... (Mardy Collins spills a bucket of water on Wilson's chest.)
Mardy: So sorry. So sorry, I slipped. (he's looking at Wilson's titties).
Wilson: God, my face is up here. (He starts to walks away.)
Fred Jones: YOU MUST BE JAMAICAN BECAUSE JA MAKIN ME CRAZY!
Quintin: Please, babe, don't leave! I love you Wilson! (she leaves. The door closes loudly behind her.)
So, um, you can see how that's going to go. I kind of ran with that quote, didn't I. Man, freshman year is gonna be sweet!
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