by Barnesgasm on June 7 at 12:17PM
Hey, its me Barnesgasm out to hit you with another one of my special one-a-week or so guest posts. This week, lets meet "The Nates":
Business Nate: Means BUSINESS! The type of guy who takes his Facebook photo with a gun. If I had a facebook, this would be a much better photo, but all you get is this. He's really self-conscious about his height, and will fight you.
Kiddie Nate: The Nate Robinson we all know and love. Likes dunking and dribbling for 22 seconds. Also, ice cream, lunchables, Spongebob.
Athlete Nate: See - Kiddie Nate
Wise Nate: Died in 1993.
(Business Nate and three Kiddie Nates are playing two on two.)
Kiddie Nate 1: Oooh I'm good at dribbling and dunking. Pass it pass it pass it pass it pass it
Kiddie Nate 2: But I'm dribbling and I can shoot good too.
Kiddie Nate 1: But I want the ball so I can dunk it because I'm good at dunking look wait and see it'll be really cool and everyone will say "ten" and I'll win and the big tall scary guy in the Sixers uniform will lose.
Business Nate: Shut the f*ck up! Look, if neither of you does anything in the next seven seconds, I will kill Kiddie Nate 3.
Kiddie Nate 1: Here look I'm gonna shoot!
Kiddie Nate 2: Well I dare you not to shoot.
Kiddie Nate 1: Whatever, I'll shoot anyway.
Kiddie Nate 2: Well I double doggie dare you not to. With a cherry on top. Kiddie Nate 1: (ponders. Drops ball, goes to watch Dora the Explorer. Meanwhile, Business Nate has started beating the living sh*t out of Kiddie Nate 3)
Kiddie Nate 3: Stop it! (crying, bleeding too a bit)
Business Nate: I'll kill you! Look at how strong and muscular I am! What, you thought you could beat me up because I'm 5'9? Well you thought WROOOONG!
Kiddie Nate 3: It hurts!
Kiddie Nate 2: Oooh ooh lets have a dunk contest. I was in one once and Michael Jordan was there and he didn't give me any points and thats why I lost. I'm good at dunking can we have one please business Nate?
Business Nate: Fine. I'll go first. (he jumps really high, but does a really basic dunk) AAAAAAH! I'M TOO STROOONG! I'M 5'9 AND I CAN DUNK!
Kiddie Nate 2: My turn my turn!
Business Nate: (now standing directly in front of the camera and blocking the rest of the commercial from being filmed) THEY SAID I COULDN'T MAKE IT TO THE LEAGUE. BECAUSE I'M 5'9!
Kiddie Nate 2: Here I go! (he misses)
Business Nate: FIVE FOOT NINE! TOO STRRRRRROOOOOONNNNGGGG!
Kiddie Nate 2: Wait wait wait everybody its still my turn wait wait wait I missed but its still my turn.
Business Nate: They said I couldn't make it to a D-1 school, but I'm still here! Who
thinks they can beat me in a fight? Who?
Kiddie Nate 2: Here I go again! (it goes in) Hooray! Hooray for Nate! Hooray for me!
Business Nate: You suck. I sh*tted on you this dunk contest. The final score was 50 to 12. Wanna challenge me again? Or fight?
Kiddie Nate 1: Guys guys guys Bob the Builder is on!
Kiddie Nate 2: Oooh ooh can I watch instead of dunkcontesting against you again?
Business Nate: Sure. Dunk contests are bourg- f*ck the script. Dunk contests are awesome.
Kiddie Nate 2: Yeah dunk contests are fun so is water balloon fights those are fun too. And when you take chocolate and marshmellows and um graham crackers and you put the marshmellows in a fire and you put them all on top of each other and I forget what its called but they're really sticky and fun to make we do them at my summer camp right Nate?
Kiddie Nate 1: Yeah they're called smores. But we have to watch Bob the Builder now can we please.
Business Nate: Yeah, go ahead. I'm going to stay out hear and dunk OVER someone. Yo, stand up, punk.
Kiddie Nate 3: (still bleeding profusely from getting sh*t beaten out of him by Business Nate) My lungs hurt.
Business Nate: Man, f*ck you. I'll dunk anyway. (bounces ball off floor, dunks) AAAAAAH! TOO STRRRROOOONGGG! I'M FIVE NINE!
(camera fades to black. Swoosh. Just Do it. As the commercial ends, we hear Nate yelling "AAAAAAAH TOO STRONG TOO STRONG TOO STRONG!" That's how the commercial ends.)
Who this commercial would appeal to (shoes sold): 5'9 dunkers (12) Dora the Explorer fans/basketball players (83) Nate Robinson (200,325)
That's it for "The Nates". Next up: Eddy Curry.
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Business Nate: Means BUSINESS! The type of guy who takes his Facebook photo with a gun. If I had a facebook, this would be a much better photo, but all you get is this. He's really self-conscious about his height, and will fight you.
Kiddie Nate: The Nate Robinson we all know and love. Likes dunking and dribbling for 22 seconds. Also, ice cream, lunchables, Spongebob.Athlete Nate: See - Kiddie Nate
Wise Nate: Died in 1993.
(Business Nate and three Kiddie Nates are playing two on two.)
Kiddie Nate 1: Oooh I'm good at dribbling and dunking. Pass it pass it pass it pass it pass it
Kiddie Nate 2: But I'm dribbling and I can shoot good too.
Kiddie Nate 1: But I want the ball so I can dunk it because I'm good at dunking look wait and see it'll be really cool and everyone will say "ten" and I'll win and the big tall scary guy in the Sixers uniform will lose.
Business Nate: Shut the f*ck up! Look, if neither of you does anything in the next seven seconds, I will kill Kiddie Nate 3.
Kiddie Nate 1: Here look I'm gonna shoot!
Kiddie Nate 2: Well I dare you not to shoot.
Kiddie Nate 1: Whatever, I'll shoot anyway.
Kiddie Nate 2: Well I double doggie dare you not to. With a cherry on top. Kiddie Nate 1: (ponders. Drops ball, goes to watch Dora the Explorer. Meanwhile, Business Nate has started beating the living sh*t out of Kiddie Nate 3)
Kiddie Nate 3: Stop it! (crying, bleeding too a bit)
Business Nate: I'll kill you! Look at how strong and muscular I am! What, you thought you could beat me up because I'm 5'9? Well you thought WROOOONG!
Kiddie Nate 3: It hurts!
Kiddie Nate 2: Oooh ooh lets have a dunk contest. I was in one once and Michael Jordan was there and he didn't give me any points and thats why I lost. I'm good at dunking can we have one please business Nate?
Business Nate: Fine. I'll go first. (he jumps really high, but does a really basic dunk) AAAAAAH! I'M TOO STROOONG! I'M 5'9 AND I CAN DUNK!
Kiddie Nate 2: My turn my turn!
Business Nate: (now standing directly in front of the camera and blocking the rest of the commercial from being filmed) THEY SAID I COULDN'T MAKE IT TO THE LEAGUE. BECAUSE I'M 5'9!
Kiddie Nate 2: Here I go! (he misses)
Business Nate: FIVE FOOT NINE! TOO STRRRRRROOOOOONNNNGGGG!
Kiddie Nate 2: Wait wait wait everybody its still my turn wait wait wait I missed but its still my turn.
Business Nate: They said I couldn't make it to a D-1 school, but I'm still here! Who
thinks they can beat me in a fight? Who?
Kiddie Nate 2: Here I go again! (it goes in) Hooray! Hooray for Nate! Hooray for me!
Business Nate: You suck. I sh*tted on you this dunk contest. The final score was 50 to 12. Wanna challenge me again? Or fight?
Kiddie Nate 1: Guys guys guys Bob the Builder is on!
Kiddie Nate 2: Oooh ooh can I watch instead of dunkcontesting against you again?
Business Nate: Sure. Dunk contests are bourg- f*ck the script. Dunk contests are awesome.
Kiddie Nate 2: Yeah dunk contests are fun so is water balloon fights those are fun too. And when you take chocolate and marshmellows and um graham crackers and you put the marshmellows in a fire and you put them all on top of each other and I forget what its called but they're really sticky and fun to make we do them at my summer camp right Nate?
Kiddie Nate 1: Yeah they're called smores. But we have to watch Bob the Builder now can we please.
Business Nate: Yeah, go ahead. I'm going to stay out hear and dunk OVER someone. Yo, stand up, punk.
Kiddie Nate 3: (still bleeding profusely from getting sh*t beaten out of him by Business Nate) My lungs hurt.
Business Nate: Man, f*ck you. I'll dunk anyway. (bounces ball off floor, dunks) AAAAAAH! TOO STRRRROOOONGGG! I'M FIVE NINE!
(camera fades to black. Swoosh. Just Do it. As the commercial ends, we hear Nate yelling "AAAAAAAH TOO STRONG TOO STRONG TOO STRONG!" That's how the commercial ends.)
Who this commercial would appeal to (shoes sold): 5'9 dunkers (12) Dora the Explorer fans/basketball players (83) Nate Robinson (200,325)
That's it for "The Nates". Next up: Eddy Curry.
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this is not funny