by Barnesgasm on June 2 at 11:18AM
Hey, b*tches! Its me, Barnesgasm! You may or may not know me from a place called (shameless self promotion:) The Son of Dippin (read it!), but even if you don't, get ready, because I got recruited by Stop Mike Lupica to occasionally drop by to write some things, things which may or may not be related to savior/crackhead/former Knick/personal namesake Matt Barnes. First off, a celebration of Lebron's YouSick stylings, a new series showing why Lebron is so amazing: "Why they shouldn't make those "The Lebrons" ads for the Knicks" First up: Steve Francis. Let's meet "The Franchises":
(Business Franchise is wearing a suit and tallking on the phone in the corner, Athlete Franchise is in a Knicks warmup and looking at his knee in a body-length mirror, Kid Stevie is playing NBA Live 2002 in a Rockets jersey, and Wise Franchise is pouring sh*t into beakers, and he is also petting a kitten, because he has 3 arms.)
Business: Yeah, Francis. Steve Francis, point guard for the New York Knicks. That Steve Francis. I got this new idea for some - ahh, sh*t.
Wise: What?
Business: They hung up again.
Wise: (creepy supervillain laughter) Don't worry, young Steve. It will all be over soon...
Kid: (announcing his videogame) Francis for 3... YES!
Athlete: Man, this knee even looks inflamed.
Wise: Yes, soon... it will all be under control. (a giant explosion occurs in one of his beakers) HA! They will never stop my new super-virus!
Athlete: It hurts to stand.
Kid: And Francis cuts through the lane, spin move, and it counts!
Athlete: (to mirror) Look at yourself, Steve. Look at what you've become. You're a mess.
Business: (dialing on his cell phone) Hello? Is this Dem Franchise Boyz? My client is interested in starting a rap caree- F*CK! Why won't anyone listen to me?
Athlete: You used to be so damn beautiful, Steve. You had potential. (he's crying)
Business: Even Cat won't return my calls.
Kid: Steve Francis with the fade-away! Yes!
Wise: Kitty-Cat isn't calling you back, Business?
Business: No. Left three messages on his phone.
Wise: Kitty-Cat was the best thing you had going for us. And now...
Athlete: There's - there's just no - reason to live!
Kid: And what a dunk by Steve Francis!
Wise: Don't worry, there's not much time. Next week, I'll have finally developed my secret weapon... (diabolical laughter)
Athlete: Why? Why, God, Why? (He looks at his face in the mirror, and he punches it. The glass shatters, and he's bleeding all over the place, and his blood and tears collect in a vast pool at his feet. As he cries, nobody notices, because he does this two to three times a day.)
Kid: And a game-winning 3 by Steve Francis!
(the commercial ends with five seconds of no noise other than Athlete Steve's pitiful wailing, and Kid Steve jumping up and down in joy. As the commercial closes, Wise pours some hydrochloric acid into a huge graduated cylinder, and it explodes, causing the screen to black. On the black screen, a swoosh appears, and it says "Just Do It" while we listen to Wise Franchises diabolical laughter.)
Target Audience: Jilted lovers, supervillains, Those whose bodies are merely living shells which once contained souls.
Shoes Sold: 27
And that's why they haven't made any commercials for "The Franchises." Next up, Nate Robinson.
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(Business Franchise is wearing a suit and tallking on the phone in the corner, Athlete Franchise is in a Knicks warmup and looking at his knee in a body-length mirror, Kid Stevie is playing NBA Live 2002 in a Rockets jersey, and Wise Franchise is pouring sh*t into beakers, and he is also petting a kitten, because he has 3 arms.)
Business: Yeah, Francis. Steve Francis, point guard for the New York Knicks. That Steve Francis. I got this new idea for some - ahh, sh*t.
Wise: What?
Business: They hung up again.
Wise: (creepy supervillain laughter) Don't worry, young Steve. It will all be over soon...
Kid: (announcing his videogame) Francis for 3... YES!
Athlete: Man, this knee even looks inflamed.
Wise: Yes, soon... it will all be under control. (a giant explosion occurs in one of his beakers) HA! They will never stop my new super-virus!
Athlete: It hurts to stand.
Kid: And Francis cuts through the lane, spin move, and it counts!
Athlete: (to mirror) Look at yourself, Steve. Look at what you've become. You're a mess.
Business: (dialing on his cell phone) Hello? Is this Dem Franchise Boyz? My client is interested in starting a rap caree- F*CK! Why won't anyone listen to me?
Athlete: You used to be so damn beautiful, Steve. You had potential. (he's crying)
Business: Even Cat won't return my calls.
Kid: Steve Francis with the fade-away! Yes!
Wise: Kitty-Cat isn't calling you back, Business?
Business: No. Left three messages on his phone.
Wise: Kitty-Cat was the best thing you had going for us. And now...
Athlete: There's - there's just no - reason to live!
Kid: And what a dunk by Steve Francis!
Wise: Don't worry, there's not much time. Next week, I'll have finally developed my secret weapon... (diabolical laughter)
Athlete: Why? Why, God, Why? (He looks at his face in the mirror, and he punches it. The glass shatters, and he's bleeding all over the place, and his blood and tears collect in a vast pool at his feet. As he cries, nobody notices, because he does this two to three times a day.)
Kid: And a game-winning 3 by Steve Francis!
(the commercial ends with five seconds of no noise other than Athlete Steve's pitiful wailing, and Kid Steve jumping up and down in joy. As the commercial closes, Wise pours some hydrochloric acid into a huge graduated cylinder, and it explodes, causing the screen to black. On the black screen, a swoosh appears, and it says "Just Do It" while we listen to Wise Franchises diabolical laughter.)
Target Audience: Jilted lovers, supervillains, Those whose bodies are merely living shells which once contained souls.
Shoes Sold: 27
And that's why they haven't made any commercials for "The Franchises." Next up, Nate Robinson.
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