Oh, the great joy I've felt this week reading the rumors that Kevin Garnett might be joining the Lakers! It'll be hard to give up Andrew Bynum... I mean, he averaged almost six whole rebounds a game last year. But really, I'd say it's a fair trade for everyone involved. That in mind, I have some more Lakers trades I'd like to propose, that would be even better, and just as reasonable!
Lakers get: Kevin Garnett
Timberwolves get: Absolutely nothing
Good for the Lakers: Significant upgrade in the frontcourt, increased star power to keep the Hollywood elite buying tickets, a monopoly on basketball players who have been birthed out of abandoned basketballs into a blood-red rain, plus not having to give up anything is a deal that even Mitch Kupchak would recognize as good!
Good for the Timberwolves: Kevin Garnett has selflessly and humbly played a game for the past decade, for which the Timberwolves have paid him countless millions of dollars as well as undying love and support. Isn't it time they did something nice for him, and allowed him to go play basketball someplace warmer?
Lakers get: Steve Nash
Suns get: Sasha Vujacic, $12 (Canadian)
Good for the Lakers: Significant upgrade at the point guard position, allows Kobe the chance to run another MVP out of town.
Good for the Suns: Vujacic's slick moves and 2.8 points per game will mean that Amare Stoudamire has to score about 60 a game for the Suns to compete. If he does so, and wins league MVP, it will justify their strategy of not pursuing Kevin Garnett. Plus, twelve Canadian dollars will get you a delicious sandwich.
Lakers get: Atlanta's draft pick (#3)
Hawks get: Kwame Brown
Good for the Lakers: That draft pick enables them to pick up another hot prospect to team up with Bynum. Imagine, in just a few short years they might have a solid team made up of young role players! Which is the perfect thing to do when you don't have the best player in the league currently on your team! Yeah! It's rebuilding time!
Good for the Hawks: They're gonna blow the pick anyway. At least now they won't get anybody's hopes up.
and finally
Lakers get: Dwight Howard, '95-era Penny Hardaway, Li'l Penny, the rights to rationally hate Billy Donovan, free lifetime passes to DisneyWorld, the rights to the name "Magic", Stan Van Gundy, Jeff Van Gundy, the rights to any other Van Gundys that may suddenly appear, Orlando's next three first round draft picks (unprotected), a chocolate sundae with unlimited rainbow sprinkles, Grant Hill, Grant Hill's surgeons, a unicorn.
Magic get: Lakers' 2019 second round draft pick (top 26 protected), Smush Parker, the chance to rename the team "the Orlando Larry".
Good for the Lakers: Howard and '95-era Hardaway will fit right into the lineup, but more importantly imagine all of those rainbow sprinkles! And OMG A UNICORN!!!11111!
Good for the Magic: A rebranding of the team will lead to increased jersey sales, the chance to do something good for one of the premiere teams in the league. Also: Smush Parker!
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