This scene takes place at Mets Command, in a meeting room. Currently there is Mets Commander Minaya and Mets Manager Randolph.
Minaya: "...and so I said 'Let'sssss make out, baby'..."
[a third man enters the room]
Minaya: "Chief Head of Scouting Dr. Mindbender, come in."
Dr. Mindbender: "Thank you, Commander Minaya. Ran-dolph."
Randolph: "What brings you here today?"
Dr. Mindbender: "I just received some interesting news from the scientists in charge of Project Reyes, sir."
Minaya: "Project Reyesssss?"
Dr. Minderbender: "Yes, sir. You remember Project Reyes, right?"
Randolph: "Of course we do. But why don't you briefly sum it up, for the benefit of those who might someday read the transcript of this secret meeting."
[Mindbender pauses to sip some water]
Mindbender: "Twenty years ago, our top scientists put together a plan to build the greatest Latino shortstop ever. We were to take the genetic material of six of the best Latinos to ever play baseball: Roberto Clemente, obviously, was one. We needed his speed and grace and intelligence. We then took some DNA from Juan Marichal, because our player would need a cannon for an arm. We would need the infield defensive, so we took some of Tony Fernandez's goods. We need a big bat, so we picked Reggie Jackson's.
Minaya: "Reggie Jacksssson?"
Mindbender: "He's a quarter Puerto Rican, sir."
Randolph: "Boriqua. Moreno."
[Minaya nods]
Mindbender: "Then we took some of Ruben Sierra's stuff..."
Ran-dolph [snickers]: "Ha. Why Ruben?!? Are you kidding me?"
Mindbender: "Back in '87 we thought he was going to be great. We erred."
Ran-dolph: "F*ck it. I guess that explains the injuries."
Minaya: "Yeah, maybe we should have taken some of Lou Gehrig's DNA, I guessss."
Mindbender: "Not if you want him to live past 35. We took some of Ted Williams' stuff, so this kid would have a batting eye and vision like no other."
Ran-dolph: "Not a Latino!"
Mindbender: "Ted Williams' mom was Mexican, sir. He's a Latino."
Ran-dolph: "Word?"
Minaya: "Vive La Raza."
Mindbender: "Continuing along, we throw in some of legendary salsa singer Hector Lavoe's DNA, so the kid would be able to move his hips like nobody's business."
Minaya: "That explains his interest in music. Hips don't lie."
Mindbender: "So, this experiment resulted in the birth of Jose Reyes."
Minaya: "The man who would be the greatest Latino shortstop ever."
Mindbender: "Indeed."
Mindbender: "But, now we just got word from our scientists down in D.R. that the Jose Reyes we have playing shortstop wasn't the only result of the experiment. Apparently he has a twin brother."
Minaya and Randolph: "A twin brother!?"
Mindbender: "Yes."
Minaya: "Bring him to us."
Mindbender: "He'll be here in three days."
[Three days later, at spring training]
Minaya: "Mindbender, tell me about the new Jose Reyes."
MIndbender: "Not good sir. Apparently the scientist dumped him twenty miles away after his birth."
Minaya: "Why?!?"
Mindbender: "You'll see sir. Ah, here he is."
[New Jose Reyes enters scene]
Jose: "Hola. Me nombre es Jose Reyes."
Minaya: "Hmm. He seems a little chubby."
Mindbender: "Our scientists explain it like this... he's genetic waste."
Minaya: "Wha?"
Jose: "Hola. Me nombre es Jose Reyes."
Mindbender: "He's got none of the good Jose Reyes DNA, only the leftover stuff."
Jose: "Hola. Me nombre es Jose Reyes."
Minaya: "Is he fast?"
Mindbender: "No. He's slower than the digestive system of a sarlacc."
Minaya: "A what?"
Mindbender: "You know... that thing from Return of the Jedi that Jabba the Hut throws people into. Its called a sarlacc."
Minaya: "That's a stupid joke. That deserves a gil. Come here."
[Minaya then grabs a roll of fat on the back of Mindbender's neck, and pulls hard on it, sort of like an Indian rugburn on your neck]
Jose: "¡No sé lo sobre el que estamos gritando!"
Minaya: "Well, can he hit?"
Mindbender: "He hits like a panda in... um, he hits poorly, sir. Basically, whatever stuff real Jose Reyes is good at, he sucks at. It's like if real Reyes is Big Daddy Drew, then this Reyes is Monday Morning Punter"
Jose: "¡Ruidos fuertes!"
Minaya: "Sh*t. Is there anything he can do?"
Mindbender: "He's pretty good at C++, Visual Basic, general computer programming."
Jose [shaving his tongue]: "Amo... la alfombra. Amo... el escritorio."
Minaya: "Cursesssss! Let's stick him on the team as a third-string catcher. We can keep him around for spare parts. That way when Jose rips his hamstring, we have a cheap replacement. No more having to go searching in Le Souk."
Please note that SML in no way endorses the cloning of humans for the purpose of organ harvesting. Humans should not be used as spare parts. Except for Chinese prisoners, of course.
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