Transcript of an upcoming episode of NBC's "Deal or No Deal?" starring TV's Howie Mandel, featuring special guest Isiah Thomas!
Howie: Alright, we're back from commercials. Weren't those great? I have Geico, and let me tell you, it sure makes ME feel like a caveman.
Audience: [Sustained, riotous laughter; applause]
Howie: So, Isaiah.
Zeke: That's Isiah.
Howie: That's what I said.
Zeke: No it isn't. You said Isaiah. (pause) I'm not some ancient prophet, savvy? I'm the GM of the New York Knicks.
Howie: OK, Isiah. See those ladies up there with the dresses and the suitcases? There's only two left. One of them contains $5, and the other contains $1.23. You're in a tough bind. Hold on, my space-phone is ringing. I'm fairly sure it's the producer, since it's not actually a real phone. Hold on. [He answers]. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I understand. What? Speak louder. OK. I get it. Also, make sure they hold on to one of those tuna sandwiches in the green room for me, will you, I'm fuckingbaked. [He hangs up]. Isiah, the producers, are offering you $275 million. Deal or No Deal?
Zeke: Let me get this straight. I can pick one of those suitcases, which means I'll be walking out of here with barely enough money for a pack of gum, or I can take $275 million.
Howie: Right.
Zeke: God, that's tough. I need to think.
Howie: Feel free to ask your friends for help.
Zeke: I don't need their help. I need to make this decision on my own. It's too important to trust to somebody else. Plus, I don't have any friends.
Howie: Isai.... I mean Isiah, the mere fact that you're even thinking this over tells me that you need assistance.
Zeke: It's a difficult choice, Howie. I could have $275 million, or I could have four or five packs of Juicy Fruit. But that gum has so muchpotential, you know? What if that gum turns out to be the best gum in the history of gum?
Howie: It'll still begum, right?
Zeke: You shut your mouth, Mandel. If I ever see you again, we're gonna have problems.
Howie: Whatever, Isaiah...
Zeke: ISIAH!
Howie: Look, you son of a bitch, Deal or No Deal? Just answer the question so we can move on. I am so fucking hungry. And it's not my fault your parents misspelled your name.
Zeke: I can't decide!
Howie: You must!
Zeke: I CAN'T DO IT!
Howie: $250 MILLION, MAN? WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?
Zeke: FINE! I'll do it... I'll do it... [he takes a huge breath] No deal, Mandel. I gotta take one of them suitcases.
Howie: Well, this is the dumbest thing that's ever happened on this show, which puts it in the running for the dumbest thing to ever happen anywhere.
Zeke: You can't have any of my Juicy Fruit when I buy it. Now you'll never know how good gum can be.
Howie: Coming up next, The Black Donnellys: "It's like if the Sopranos were shitty, and written by Paul Haggis!"
Zeke: That's redundant.
Howie: Get the hell out of my studio.
Zeke: No.
The End
N.B. I've never actually seen this show, have no idea if it actually works like this, and don't really wish to. If I've made factual errors, feel free to e-mail me at vice_president@whitehouse.gov. Thank you.
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