Q.
MY NAME IS NATE AND I'M LITTLE AND I'M THIS MANY YEARS OLD AND I LIKE TO PLAY BASKETSBALL AND ONE TIME I EVEN HAD THE BALL AND THEN I BOUNCEDED IT BEHIND MY BACK AND THEN I PICKEDED IT UP AND THEN I THROWED IT UP AND IT WENT IN WITHOUT EVEN HITTING THE RIM OR ANYTHING!
Q.
BUT THIS IS MY INSIDE VOICE WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT SOMETIMES TEACHER TELLS ME TO QUIET NOW BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE MEANS NEITHER! WHAT'S A SAILBOAT?
Q.
I LIKE TO PLAY BASKETSBALL BECAUSE IT'S LOTS OF FUN AND BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE MAGIC JORDANS AND MICHAEL JOHNSONS AND SOMETIMES I EVEN LIKE TO SAY I'M KOBE BRYANT BUT MY MOM SAID KOBE BRYANT IS A BAD MAN BECAUSE OF HE'S A RIPPER AND I GUESS HE RIPS THINGS THAT AREN'T HIS! MY FRIEND TIMMY SAYS HE HAS A SAILBOAT AND I SAID I HAVE ONE TOO BUT I'M NOT SURE WHAT ONE IS!
Q.
I COULD DUNK I REALLY COULD! I TOTALLY COULD DUNK! WATCH THIS!
Q.
WAIT LET ME TRY IT AGAIN!
Q.
WAIT LET ME TRY IT AGAIN!
Q.
NO NO NO I COULD DO IT I COULD DO IT! I TOTALLY DID IT AND THEN I PULLED THE BACKBOARD DOWN OFF THE TOP OF THE DOOR AND IT LANDEDED ON MY HEAD AND I LAUGHEDED AND THEN I GOT A JUICE BOX!
Q.
I HAVE TO GO TO BED NOW IT'S 8:00 IT WAS NICE TO TALK TO YOU COME BACK TOMORROW AND WE CAN PLAY BASKETSBALL TOGETHER ONLY I GET FIRST DIBS ON WHO I GET TO BE AND I'LL PROLLY WANNA BE CREAM ALJUDABAR BECAUSE MY DAD SAYS HE WAS THE BESTEST EVER! BRING ME A SAILBOAT TOO!
Q.
OK BYE!
The format for these interviews is taken from David Foster Wallace's extraordinary book of the same name, which includes a series of interviews in which the questions are not seen. Seriously, the book is astonishingly good, as one might expect what with it being written by the greatest living writer of the English language and all. And no, I'm not just saying that to avoid a cease and desist letter (I'm pretty sure this is fair parody); I'm saying that to encourage him to write another novel, for pity's sake. It's been ten years. Come on. We're waiting, our breath bated. Please. I'll beg if I have to.
So if you came here looking for the DFW book: buy it. If you came here looking for real interviews with physically ugly individuals, no dice. Alors. Good luck.
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